Ponytail

When I look back on my university years, what will I remember? I've noticed that a lot of my posts lately have been about boys. My Women and Gender Studies prof would be outraged. 

(Side Note: Today we had to bring some feminist blog posts to class and share them with the class. The one I found was hilarious. It was this crazy bitch ranting about how BIC just released a new pen with the title "BIC... For Her" hahah! This girl just went on a rant! 300 words of sheer madness! I believe that all genders, sexualities, races, ect should be treated equally, but really I think that if we're ever going to solve the problem of inequality, we should focus in on the "trunk of the tree", in other words, the major issues within our society that need to be dealt with, not some superficial pen that was made to target women. That is what I would consider one of the millions of "leaves on the tree" of issues. Like seriously, use your wits and time to write a meaningful article that isn't about something as laughable and utterly stupid as a pen made slimmer to better fit in a woman's hand. Give me a break.)
Anyways, yea I haven't really updated Future Jory on anything other than boys, and I have a feeling that when I'm like 30 and married with children that I won't really care all that much about the boys I rifled through on my way to finding the husband I have then(now?). I think I would appreciate a retelling of my university experiences, like breaking into the Physics Building during my first week as a freshman to find the legendary "Harry Potter Bathroom", you know, the one that Hermione almost gets killed by a troll in in the first HP movie? We found it alright, it was definitly a mens bathroom. But in we went. It SURPASSED ALL EXPECTATIONS. Not. But the thrill of finding it and being somewhere we weren't supposed to be was all worth it. And also, when we came back later to show another friend our findings, we walked right into the bathroom while a male professor was in it. Needless to say we screamed and ran like hell to get out of the building before we were caught.

How about that time we drunkenly got back into rez in our first year and made the most heavenly Kraft Dinner ever, and washed it down with hashbrowns. CARBS CARBS CARBS! Yea freshman fifteen!
Driving to a friends small town in the death trap (aka my car) and scraping the windows with debit cards because they iced over on the inside so bad I was pretty much blind the whole way there. And also trying not to spill the Caesars we had mixed before hand in classy styrofoam cups. Splitting a cab with teachers that had taught in our school division when we were in highschool - one of them being my volleyball coach! And then flirting shamelessly with them and me and Bryna wanting to party with them in their hotel room, while sober jenna, who saw the invite for what it really was, having to be a killjoy and force us to walk home.
Spending all of last night driving to all corners of the city, picking up friends who are wrapped in multiple bunnyhugs with hoods, carrying armfuls of blankets or snacks. Jenna nearly killing all of us with her driving a grand total of 5 times, and then choosing a random field, spreading out our blankets and diving into the chips, spitz and popcorn we brought as we lay on our backs and star gaze. Laughing about stupid things everyones said or done, Sean pretending to be a gopher when cars drive by, the group galloping in all directions through the field when another car passes, just to see if they would notice. Seeing 3 shooting stars and not wishing on any of them because I don't need to.

I gotta go make some more of these memories, home opener football game tonight! See ya there ;) haha wow. ok I'm not even going to try to justify that. 

Ex Boyfriend Songs

Here's the thing: I love hayleyghoover. Don't know who that is? Youtube her, then go check out her blog which you can probably find in the side bar under blogs that I follow. Just do it, I love this girl's mind. Anyways, I was reading one of her more recent posts about making a fictional playlist of song titles that describe your past relationships and experiences regarding them. Her list was full of insiders that I didn't get, yet still found hilarious. So, without making you wait any longer, here is my Past Relationships Playlist ... 2012... Esquire. (I'll put initials of the boys names at the end so I can remember which songs are about who)


Been There, Done That (Vol. 1)
1. Six Months I'll Never Get Back (M)
2. Cheese with that Whine? (S)
3. My Mom Still Doesn't Know About Our Late Nights (P)
4. That Hole is Off Limits (Th)
5. Skinny White Boy (MSPTh)
6. Getting Out of the Friendzone... For Good (Th)
7. WHAT ABOUT YOUR MORALS (M)
8. Cringeworthy Facebook Messages (P)
9. 12 Roses, 6 Hickeys and Sweet Thai Jerky (S)
10. Adorably Old Fashioned (G)
11. Our Kids Would Be Hilarious (S)
12. Fries With That? (Face It, You Got Fat) (Th)

Anyways, there you go! I challenge you to make one like this and poke fun at your past relationship fails and fond memories.

Staring at the Mess I Made

I'm trying to step out of my body and take a look at the situation I find myself in currently. Here's some foreshadowing; it's depressing, revolves around an ex boyfriend, and I feel completely trapped and alone. I'm sick of talking about it, yet I need to get this off my chest somehow. Let me fill you in on what you've missed. (You might want to stop reading here, this is mostly for myself to reflect back on in a year and laugh at all the worries and stresses that I'm feeling right now and reflect on how far I've come and how much I've learned).

Background Info:
One week before my departure back home in April (at the very end of finals) I met this guy, let's call him Johnson. Anyways, me and Johnson hit it off immediately, a few beers later, we were making out on the dance floor! If I'm being completely honest, back then my thoughts still revolved around the boyfriend/terrible breakup that I had come out of the September before. I was over the guy, but I wasn't over what had happened between us and the loss of friendship that it caused. Anyways, I met Johnson, we kissed, he stayed the night at my place and we snuggled on the couch. (Nothing more!) Anyways, he was finished his exams for the year, but I still had two more, one week from the day we met. Anyways, through the week, he would come visit me every day. The first day he brought all kinds of fun stuff to distract me from studying and give me a much needed mid-day break. He brought wii games and movies and (my personal favorite) an origami set for kids. Seriously, so awesome. Anyways it was at that moment that I realized that Johnson was probably one of the coolest people I had ever met. As we got talking, we realized we had a SHIT TON of things in common, from our taste in music, to our religious backgrounds and how they have shaped who we are, even though neither of us followed the path that was originally set out for us by our families. I was crushin' hard man. It was the first guy, probably ever, who I liked first, on my own, with no one and nothing propelling me to like him. And we just fit so naturally together, people even said we looked like we belonged together. Anyways, after that first day, he came back two days later. This day happened to be the day where he and a bunch of our mutual friends who were done finals went out for sushi and kareokee. (I love both by the way, and was really choked that I couldn't go). Johnson rendered me speechless when, on the SECOND DATE, he brought me sushi rolls so I would feel less like I missed out. He also snuck a CD of a band he thought I would like inside the bag as well. Like I said - coolest guy ever. I loved the sushi, and that CD held one of my current favorite songs! We hung out for the rest of the week, and when Thursday rolled around and I had the first of my last two finals, he came to my house to pick me up and take me to it. He lives 30 minutes away on the other side of the city. After my exam, he picked me up and took me home again too. I was completely swept away. On Friday, the day of my last final, and my last day in the city, Johnson came to my door at 7:45 am to pick me up for my final. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a dozen red roses. I think my face turned that same shade of red. He took me to my final and was there waiting when I finished. He took me straight to his house instead of my house this time, since I had no more studying to do. I met his family, to my surprise, I wasn't nervous to meet them. It ended in us having supper there and me really hitting it off with his folks. Anyways, we went downstairs after supper and played lego! LEGO!!! Hahaha the best. Then we were both invited to a going away party at a friends that night, so we headed back to my place so I could get ready. I should mention that the summer tenants of the house were moving in the next day and we had to be out by 6:00 am. Anyways, we got back to my place, and I realized that hardly any of me stuff had been packed up to take home. He helped me pack. Of course he did, just such a nice guy. He helped for 4 hours! There was makeout sessions and whatnot between that. Here's the graphic part kids, so maybe turn away. We were making out against the fridge in the kitchen, and I stopped and asked what was going on between us, and also asked if it was worth trying to do over the summer with 2.5 hours between us and full time jobs. My last relationship ended because of less distance than that. I was really skeptical, but with a guy this sweet, it seemed like it just might be possible. So he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. And we couldn't keep our hands off each other for the rest of the night. Seriously we missed the party. And then just cuddled all night on a mattress in the basement. That's probably my happiest memory in the past few years. Everything was so perfect. When my roomates and friends came home, they drunkenly asked us if it was official, and when we said yes, they were ecstatic. They ran downstairs and jumped on both of us congratulating us haha, I guess everyone had seen it coming since the night we first met.

I moved home the next morning, and though the sweet gestures and visitations were steady, the flame was flickering as we spent waaaay too much time together on visits, and missed each other too much during the weekdays. This was too much extremes for any relationship to handle, especially when it was so green. So after a month of rollercoaster rides of missing/needing air to breathe when he was around, I broke it off. Of course he wasn't happy about it, I wasn't either. But I figured it had to be done. We left off on a good note and promised that we would talk about getting back together come September when I moved back. I very specifically told him that there is only the POSSIBILITY of getting back together since we had 3 months apart and feelings could easily change in that time of not seeing each other.

Fast forward to September. I had seen Johnson approximately 3 time over the rest of the summer - once when he came back (with more flowers) to talk things over once more, once at a frisbee tournament he was organizing that I had promised to come to when we were dating, and once during orientation training, as we were both volunteering to lead first years around the bowl on orientation day. Generally, all of those went well. We instantly clicked at the frizsbee tournament and then again at training. I realized that I still had impressive feelings for this guy, but at the same time I didn't want to tie myself down to him again. I decided that since we left off on such a good note at our breakup, it would be the best idea to not get back together. We have a number of close mutual friends, including my sister and my roommate and I didn't want a relationship/potential breakup to wreck the good thing we had going as a group. How naive of me.

On my first night back in the city, there was a big gathering of old friends and we went to kareokee again. He was there and I was there and everything was great! We were talking like old friends during pre drinking and then we got separated at the bar, again totally fine! I was having a blast, until I was in the bathroom talking to a girlfriend when Jenna comes storming in and tells me to stop talking to Johnson because I'm hurting him. I was so caught off balance by this, and by the fact that I was causing him, this cool-funny-outgoing-awesome guy pain, I just started crying. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I felt backed into a corner and I felt deserted by my sister. Once you start, its pretty hard to stop crying on the spot, especially with such a heavy bomb dropped on you in such a forceful way just before.
Anyways, I decided it was time for me to talk to Johnson and get our situation sorted out before anyone else got hurt. I met him outside. He was pissed when I told him I didn't want to get back together. Said I was a coward for not giving something so worthwhile a try. I was trying to justify that I was just trying to see the whole picture and think of people other than ourselves. He got really angry. But it was cold, and we couldn't help but hug/hold each other while we were arguing. Halfway through our discussion, he started kissing my neck while he was hugging me. I softened a little. A lot actually. I tried to rationalize my reasoning, he tried to rationalize his. And yes I saw where he was coming from, but given that I had singlehandedly ended Jenna's relationship with one of her best friends by dating him, I wasn't about to budge on my thoughts towards this. Anyways, he got mad again, let go of me and just went off on a rant. I can't even remember what it was about, all I saw was that I was the one making him upset like that, where as if I just would have made up my mind the other way, I could have been the one making him happy (that sounds super corny. yep.) I saw the pain that Jenna was talking about, and I'm not exactly sure what came over me, but all of a sudden, when he was mid-sentence, I kissed him. It wasn't a super hardcore makeout or anything, just a kiss that lasted probably a little too long. When I looked at him again, he was grinning. He thought I had changed my mind. I wasn't really sure if that was entirely false. So I went with it, told myself that I wanted to make him happy, and that it would make me happy. Ect ect ect. We spent the rest of the night on a grand adventure, and somehow he ended up pushing me around 8th in a shopping cart. He was running, and I was squealing and terrified that I would tip, again lotsa fun.

The next day (here's where I become the horrible person), when I had a sober brain back in my head, I was so mad at what I had done. I led him on! I am so strictly against that! Anyways, I texted him, and he came over to my house at 1:30 pm. We talked for hours. I apologized for the night before, I explained why I kissed him and why it couldn't happen again. He was mad of course, he asked for me to just hear him out about our relationship, and it was the least I could do. So I listened. He put up a good fight. I wanted to cave really badly. We got inturrupted at 9 by friends who wanted to go for drinks, so we went and had a few beers and came back at 10:30, where we just picked up our same conversation again. This time, he was really laying it on thick. He made me forget about my stand and completely swooned me. He was holding my hand, and rubbing my back, kissing my neck ect. Again I was swept away by all of this and we ended up making out again. Hardcore making out this time. I finally stopped the maddness and we contuinued discussing what the hell was going on. His points started getting repetitive and so did my rebuttles. It ended when I finally put my foot down and told him I didn't WANT to get back together. By this time, it was 3 in the morning. I was tired and crabby, as was he. He stormed out of my house and I went to bed in a huff.

The next day we met again to try and resolve our argument. Again no progress. That night he came over again, honestly last week was such a blur im not even sure how he ended up here. All I know is that he ended up in my bed with me and we hooked up. I made damn sure that he knew that it was a dead end hookup, no strings attached. He complied and I'm not gonna lie - it was unbelievable! So much anger and tension relived. We were up until 5:30 am. I drove him home the next day and that was that.  I logged into facebook later that day  and there was a long facebook message waiting for me. From Johnson. We fought some more over facebook, actually 7 hours more. He now changed his wants to just a hookup buddy, just for a little while, which was tempting but I knew from experience that it would just complicate our situation more. I said no again. He threw a fucking fit! I told him he was over dramaticising our situation - he wouldn't take no for an answer from me! I just wanted the whole argument to be over with. He told me I was the most uncomprimising person he's ever met, and that I am completely "undateable". Which really hurt, and yeah. As soon as he said that I logged off facebook and tried to occupy myself with soemthing else. Had we really gotten this fucked up in only four days? We were sinking so low that we were calling each other names, right where we knew it would hurt the most.  We resorted to beaking each other about unrelated things. And neither of us were even close to backing down. I thought I was going to explode. I don't act like that. I haven't blown up on someone I'm not related to like that ever. I like my peace, I like forgiveness and keeping things chill. How did everything get so completely fucked up.

After not replying for quite some time, I logged back in to find that he had sent 6 more long messages apologizing for blowing up on me and trying to explain himself in a more civilized manner. I was softened by this and wrote back. We both apologized and promised it would stop. We ended on good terms. kind of, not really. We were joking with each other and agreed that somewhere down the road, we could be friends. I was happy with that. We left it. That was one week ago today.

Last night I texted him asking for directions to a certain room in the PAC (which is the building for his college). Honestly I could have asked any of my other kin friends, but I asked Jenna and she wasn't 100% sure, so I asked him since he works at the gym in that building and would know best about how to get to the office. Sounds harmless right?

Me: Hey Johnson, where is the PAC general office?
Him: second floor, blah blah
Me: Thankyouuu
Him: Alrighty.


That was it! I felt relieved that that little conversation went over without a hitch. I thought for sure we were moving on from what had happened a week ago, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was already over the fight, like I said, I like to forgive. I got ready for bed, jumped in and checked my phone just before going to sleep. there was another text from him.

Him: Did you want to talk about something else or did you seriosuly just ask me of all people that question?
Me: haha yea I figured you would know best since you work there, thought maybe it was that little area where you work!
Me: Is there something wrong with asking you?
Him: Nosiree
Me: K cool

And that was it! Again, relief that we could still be civilized. I closed my eyes again and again I got another message.

Him: Sorry bad service, that last text was a reply to the first one I sent you. As for if it's ok to ask me...
******************************ATOMIC BOMB EXPLOSION!!!!*********************


And I don't want to write out his whole text, but pretty much it was bitching me out for talking to him again when that is the very last thing he wants to do. We got in a fight, because again I thought he was over dramatic about absolutely nothing and he said I was disrespecting him by talking to him when he figured it was a given that we weren't supposed to talk. I tried to rationalize that it wasn't talking, it was me asking for directions. Anyways, here we go again. That feeling that I somehow was able to shake last week when I thought that everything would be ok. I'm so done with this fighting. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it, I don't want to make Jenna choose between her friend and sister, that was the whole point of not getting back together! This mess just got so big and ugly that I have since then lost all attraction to Johnson, and up until I wrote the earlier part of this post, I completely forgot what an awesome human being he is. Like what the fuck! Why are we so similar in so many ways, and then when it comes down to seeing each other's difference in opinions, we can't see eye to eye no matter what. THE FUCK! I'm so frustrated. I'm hurt too, I had no idea he still resented me so much. I'm over it, ready to move on and just be friends, or not even friends, just neutral acquaintances who arent carrying so much hatred on their shoulders. I look at him and see just a sweet guy that things got fucky with, and I just want to be on the same level again, the happiness we had that we could totally find on the friend level again. He looks at me and just sees this coniving bitch whos out to hunt him down and hurt him however she can. He won't admit it, but he hates me! All his coldness and mean words ect are pushing me closer and closer to breaking point, I don't even know if he know that I HAVE a breaking point. I think he's selfish. I am probably being selfish too here. I don't know. What do I do with myself! We're on all the same rec teams, and in the same friends circle, we hang out in the same places, go to the same school! fuckfuckfuck. How do I deal with this when he's not willing to even consider dealing with this? I need things to end on a good note again otherwise I'm going to be caught up in the hate too. Worst feeling ever. We need to talk again, and I promise if I ever get that oppurtunity, Im going to set things straight and not throw acid in his face even if his covering me with it. I have to make things right. I don't know when or how, but something has to be done. If he freaks out again though, fuck him. My heart can't take anymore stress. And my brain needs space for classes. I am approaching this situation as gingerly as possible and i still get knocked down.

Sigh. ok. there. im going to bed though, didn't sleep at all last night.. Goodnight. (haha it's 2:58 pm)

Taylor Swift's New Song Says "Like" A Lot

It happens when you realize that you are not indestructible, that one day you will die, and that that day could very well be today. It happens when you're rushed into the hospital thinking that you have a serious brain infection that could leave you physically or mentally disabled for the rest of your life, or put you in a coma. The type of thing that if you don't catch it immediately, it could kill you.

It is the realization that life is passing you by. One day you will look back on your 20th year and wish you would have done more with it while you were able. Money is not part of the equation, but memories are. What memories have I made this summer? It's like I've just spent the majority of this season wishing I was back in school, and the majority of my school year wishing it was summer and I was back home. Forgetting to take time in everything you do and really embrace it, and enjoy it if possible.

Oh yea, that whole brain infection thing happened today. I've had 80% of the symptoms of meningitis for the past three days. Fever, headaches, photophobia, disorientation, the whole works. I was rushed into the hospital today thinking that I had something serious wrong with my brain, luckily that wasn't the case. However I'm supposed to take it easy and drink lot's of water and go straight back to the hospital if my sickness worsens. My doctor wants to see me again on Monday to make sure that it's really gone for good and that it can't turn into something more serious. Here's hoping it doesn't.

Anyways, now you know what spurred this blog post on. It's my realization that I'm just rushing through life, I look forward to something, and the weeks before it just seem to blur by, then I finally get there and all of a sudden I'm looking into the future again at something else, and I force myself to rush through whatever it is that I've been looking forward to for the past few weeks.

So here's where I slow down, about this time last year I had it right. I had it right last Christmas and for months after. It's time to get it back, today I had the same feeling I had last June when two boys I knew who were younger than me were stabbed and killed. And it just reminded me that life isn't supposed to be taken for granted. I can mope around about what happened in my past, or I can embrace it and make a better future for myself. I don't want to die with regrets. I want to live on the edge again, put my creativity to use, and make people laugh. I really miss making people laugh. So this is my reminder to myself to do so. It's so easy I don't know why I just don't do it all the time. 

Anyways, I'll probably take the day off work tomorrow again and rest up, call my Dad, call my grandparents, go for a bike ride, get in the swing of appreciating life again, and taking advantage of it. 

Remember the Days When Your Laughter Was Met

I feel refreshed. Why? I just finished reading a post of your blog Michael! THANKYOUUU for a number of reasons:

1: Motivating me further to do well in school this year

Basically, last year was a total bust. I was broken hearted and confused about life and my place in it and I was too busy getting drunk and forcing myself to have fun to focus on school. My grades dropped dramatically (even failed a class! - something I would never have expected from the girl who got solid 90's throughout high school). Anyways, this year is different. My breakup is behind me, and although I feel more topsy turvey about my role as a human, I'm feeling better about it every day since I vented about it in my previous blog post. It's pushed me out into the social world and I'm feeling normal again.

Anyways, what you said about having goals was bang on. Another reason for my shitty school year (as far as marks go) was that I really had no idea what direction I wanted my life to go. I still had my plan from high school, get into education and become a teacher, but that wasn't cutting it for me. I wanted something that excited me, and like you Michael, I wanted more money than $60,000/year. I really considered going into psychology. I'm still weighing that option, I think that path was meant for me. But after doing some research into that area, I found that I would be in school for another 7 years to in order to get my masters and PhD. Not only that, but I would have to transfer schools to some fancy school in the states if I wanted to make it work. I could settle for 4 years of school and simply be a social worker, but that didn't interest me.

The Goal: My Mom is a teacher. And she hates it. She got screwed over by the school board when my brother was born and hasn't really been able to get over that since. She has been advising me and Jenna not to get into education because apparently it's just a giant shit show. She says the school board is a joke and the students just run wild now and there's not a thing they can do about it because if they punish a student just a wee bit too harshly, the parent will get mad and complain to the board, and the teacher will get fired, no if's, and's or but's. She also mentioned that the education programs are also shitting the bed hard, the school board only wants to keep parents happy so they are grading the students easier and easier every year. And it midway through her rant that it hit me. Get on the school board. It just hit me so hard and I am more than excited to report that that is my long term career goal. 1. I get to legitimately make a difference in a large area. 2. I'm smart and well rounded and people listen to me. I know these things about myself, and I know that they are key in any school board member. 3. The money is great! Being a school board director is a lot of work, but you make a good chunk of change.

Anyways, having this goal has practically reinvented how I think of myself and it feels amazing. Your blog just added to the fire that I already had! (And also, I agree that dentistry is the way to go for you, especially with your GPA!)


2. Motivation to get in shape!
After first year, I came home for summer and put some shorts on and BAM I too realized that I was fat.. er. I know I'm not a fat person, but let's just say I had some extra chub built up. Anyways. Over the summer I went off birth control (you prob didn't need to know that but whateva) and that really helped me shed a lot of the weight I put on. I gained 11 lbs in first year! ACK!

That isn't really the case this summer as I am still on the pill, although I'm not the size I was at the end of first year. It's hard to lose weight on this thing, which sucks, but if I'm being honest, I haven't really tried all that hard. I saw a lot of improvement in the last three weeks simply by changing my eating habits. I saw my face slim down a bit, and noticed I had more energy to do things. It's always frustrating when you see all of that progress disappear for a week every month.. if you catch my drift. Bloating - yuck! And then you just feel super motivated and unfat when that week is over.

ANYWAYS. haha This is my public announcement that I am going to lose 3-5 lbs before school. So that means eating better, and by that I mean completely better, and exercising. I always make the excuse that I exercise everyday at work, but work is more driving than weed wacking most of the time. Even just a walk every night will change the overall appearance of my body, which I'm excited for. I'm looking forward to getting back to Stoon where there's an actual gym that I can use, instead of the broken down donated equipment in the gym in the basement of the town hall. Which I don't have the money to pay for a membership to.

Good grades! 3-5 lbs! GO!

Ps, Michael, THANKYOUUUUU again.

Say Goodbye to Love and Hold Your Head Up High

JORY! WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!?

Asked the millions of people who tune into this blog daily and have been eagerly awaiting a new post for over a month now.

)(

^That's the symbol for sarcasm that I invented. I frequently use it in texts when I say something offensive. That way, no one can misread or get mad. Because that's a huge problem in life these days. I feel like texting has made me socially awkward. Well not so much socially, but phonely (word?). Let me explain.

Since moving home for the summer, I have noticed that my mother is on the phone with her friends and relatives a LOT. She probably spends a solid 1-2 hours on that thing every day! And when something really interesting happens, she sometimes even commits 3-4 hours. THAT'S SO MUCH TIME! She even fearlessly leaves messages on peoples voice mails. Even the awkward ones where she has to ask her boss for her paycheck, or has to ask if she can borrow someones precious crystal salad bowl. And I sit there and just admire her for it. I guess you could call me a coward or a wimp or whatever, but I absolutely loathe talking on the phone. Not sure what it is about it, but I just tense up a lot before I have to make a phone call. All these ridiculous thoughts pass through my head like "What if I'm calling them when their in the middle of a funeral or something?" or "They won't want to talk to me..." or "What if I say something really awkward and they don't know how to respond, what if it's the other way around and its ME that doesn't know how to respond?" or my absolute favorite "I'm for sure going to just run out of things to say as soon as I start talking"

)( about that being my favorite.

But honestly, I would much rather just send a quick text and gather the information I need that way. Or have a full conversation over facebook. Is there something wrong with me?

I used to be super smooth with all my social encounters and lately I just feel choppy and awkward. Maybe that's because I'm rusty. I honestly think I can blame this one on what I started this whole blog off with: Moving home for the summer.

Don't get me wrong, I love home. But it takes a toll on my abilities as a social butterfly. Mostly because I am two slightly different people. I am University Jory in the city and Highschool Jory in my small town. The experiences & people in both of my homes are completely different, making it hard to adjust and fall into who I am as a person. I grow so much when I'm away, but then I come back and feel like I have to revert to who I was when I graduated highschool again. And not that I'm not happy with either of those characters, it's just hard to find the happy middle grounds. And it makes me awkward when I'm trying to place myself in a group of people and can't decide which version of Jory would fit best. And then I lose sight of Uni Jory all together and can't remember what it was like to be her.

As always, the cure for social weirdness like this is to force yourself into social situations. And that is when I feel most like myself and I stop caring which Jory I am, and just start realizing that no one can really tell whats going on inside my head with myself. And that's when I'm happy. I used to love deep thinking like this, but now I fear its eating me aliiiiive! Haha anyways.
ttfn.

Single

So yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I guess I should start calling him my ex boyfriend now..

It was a big process, he had a lot of questions. I wasn't really prepared to do it yesterday, I wasn't going to do it at all, but the more we talked about it, the more I realized it was probably for the best. This was my fourth attempt at a long distance relationship over the summer. I feel so bad, we both put so much effort into it. I think he put in more than I did, just such an awesome guy. I've never been able to just be myself around someone so quickly and so easily. But the distance was killer. We started our relationship on my very last day at university in the city, and then I moved 2.5 hours away. So we went from being completely single, to spending every moment for 72 hours together every weekend. It was a little much at times, and by the end of the weekends, I was feeling a little smothered. But because of the fact that we only had time for eachother every once and a while, I overlooked that feeling for a long time. It started wearing on us. Anyways, long story short, we spent 7 hours locked in my room yesterday, trying to work it out. Ended up breaking up. I'm sad and what not, but I'm also almost relieved. Somehow we managed to end on a really good note, and committed to still being civil to each other until we can be friends again. We're even gonna try going to the concert I got him tickets for for his bday, its three months away, so we should be cool by then.

I can't help but feel mad at myself for letting another terrific guy with tons of potential go. I have to use two hands to count how many times that's happened. I know I'm picky, everything has to be right for the first 6 months or I just give up. That is why I'm trying this new "no strings attatched" plan for the rest of summer. Since the probability of me finding someone who will live relatively close to Saskatoon when I get back there in the fall is teeny tiny when I'm spending my entire summer in the middle of nowhere, I'm just gonna live the single life and not try to drag someone else into it. That way, I won't be breaking anymore hearts or putting myself through all this guilt and sadness. I figure if I publicly proclaim this to the world, I might actually stick to it. And by publicly, I mean on my secret blog that no one really knows about haha.

Blah. I hate breakups.