So I've been filling out my education application for a few weeks now, its due on Friday so I gotta get my shit together and polish it up by then. The reason why its' taking so long is because the interview portion of the application is done online in the form of essay questions. There's 5 questions, only two of which have to do with teaching, but one of the unrelated questions struck me the other day. The question asks "Describe a situation where you attempted a difficult situation and the end result wasn't positive. How did you deal with it and what did you learn?". I have thought on this question for weeks, I have pondered over all of my memories trying to think of something relevant to put here. I have friends writing about how they tried out for their school sports teams and didn't make it, how they volunteered for a position that was way over their heads and couldn't manage. I took in all my friends stories and tried to relate, but I couldn't. Then I made a realization: I had never attempted something that I didn't already know that I couldn't succeed at, I had never taken any risks.
This realization lead to some serious psychological controversy within myself. I had never taken any risks. How boring of a life do I lead!? I'm sitting here with a ton of potential to do whatever I want. I can make money, I am able-bodied, I'm not held under and discriminatory oppression and for the most part I'm well liked both by friends and strangers. I realize that risks like hopping a flight to Zimbabwe in the middle of a random night weren't really an option for me what with school holding me back, ect. But how could I have gone 21 years without taking any real risks?!
I guess you could say I have taken risks in respect to relationships, I've opened myself up to a number of guys and been hurt by some of them, so I do know what its like to take a chance and have it fail. But as far as life experiences, living life to the fullest kind of thing, what have I been doing with myself for all these years?
I'm young right now, I have very little responsibilities at the moment, I should try living on the fly for a while. I should get out there and experience new things. I want to do that. I've always wanted to go to one of the poetry slams on Broadway every Friday, I want to try out the little indie pub in the basement of the old folks home across the river and I want to take up kickboxing. Why shouldn't I?
Here's the second part of this post that's kind of unrelated.
I might try to talk to Jenna about this, but lately I've realized that her life is a whole chapter behind mine right now. She just recently experienced her first heartbreak, whereas mine was almost two years ago. She's also attempting to remain friends with her ex who doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with her which, again, is something I went through months ago. She's watching her friends circle fall apart and for the first time has to feel the terrible feeling of being abandoned by people she trusted whole heartedly something I went through a while ago. She's feeling the emptiness of loneliness as her friends drift away and she's helpless, which I dealt with last year when my friend group got chopped up and I couldn't fit into another one.
I feel bad for Jenna for having to go through these tough things that life throws at you, I hope she learned something from watching me go through them, but more than that, I realize how badly she wasn't there for me when I needed her when I was going through them.
I remember when, after months of depression, I tried to talk to her about how I felt alone or friendless (I was literally sobbing at one point) and she just brushed it off and continued to talk to me about how perfect her group of friends were. Every day she had new hilarious stories* (not hilarious to me bc I wasn't in on all of the insiders and had no idea who any of the people in her stories were) to tell me. I remember talking to her about finally beginning to feel like I was fitting in again when her friend circle adopted me, and how she tried to kick me out of it. Eventually I found out that she was scared that they would all like me better than her, which I thought was silly, but annoying. She would tell her group things about me that I didn't want anyone to know, and talk about things I didn't understand with them when I was hanging out with them to alienate me. Probably the worst thing she would do was take my jokes, witty comebacks or even my funny stories and present them to the group as if they were her own. I absolutely hate when people do that. lol
Another thing she would do was criticize me for how I was dealing with my Johnson situation. It wasn't so much about the hookups or the breakup, it was about trying to be friends with him afterwards. She was supportive and by my side 100% and told Johnson off for me many times, which I was grateful for, but she wouldn't let me talk to him. Which is one of the reasons I'm on the high road right now (which I guess I can thank her for), but I wanted to just talk to him a few times and confront him about how he was talking to our friends about me and turning it into a war. I wanted to make him see that it didn't have to be that way, but Jenna forbid me from talking to him. Which made it much more difficult for me to deal with because then everything was internalized.
So now when she comes to me for advice and help for all these things that she's going through, I can relate to how she's feeling and I comfort her and try to help as best I can, but there's a part of me that's actually glad that she understands some of these things now and I hope she realizes how badly she misunderstood my situations before and takes the knowledge that my life is hugely different than hers into account next time I have a problem that she hasn't experienced yet.
Blog Soundtrack: Oath- Cher Lloyd, Let Your Heart Hold Fast - Fort Atlatic, You and Your Heart - Jack Johnson, The Funeral- Band of Horses
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