Funny Back

Today it happened!

Been in kind of a rut lately. It usually happens at this time of year when the weather gets bad and whatnot, but I lose my funny. Or I stop thinking things are funny. I doubt myself. I feel like my relations with other people are strained and I hold myself back from saying things, things that I know are funny, because I'm worried that people won't accept them or will judge me.

Today it reversed!

I loved today! Honestly, I love being funny, not joke funny, but funny as in you can take something and just go with it. Unleash my weird imagination on people and let my quirkiness come out. I'm stoked that it's back. I think it was drained right out of me over the course of January when that whole Johnson thing came into play. I was scared to step out of line and set off another emotional landmine and I missed a lot of opportunities.

Today, I'm not sure what it was, but I fell back into myself again. I felt no anger or tension, no frustration or regret, only happiness for the way my life has turned out thus far. I talked openly with my prof in class, my face didn't go red and I wasn't embarrassed by what I had to say. I set a goal in my mind today and I think I'm going to stick to it. I worked out for a solid hour today after class, and on the bus ride home I saw a guy and was able to picture myself flirting with him, kissing him, dating him, OTHER STUFF with him! That hasn't happened since Johnson I think. I mean Deric was gorgeous and courteous and nice (not to mention he came from a very wealthy background - not saying thats a priority, but financial security is always a bonus) but I never got super excited about him the way I did about previous boyfriends. For the past two months I've been blindly walking past all these stellar potential guys without giving one of them a second glance. Now that I'm actually noticing all these interesting prospects around me I feel so charged to get myself back in the game!

I bought groceries and then went for an hour and a half walk with Alyssa, my best friend. We caught up on our spring breaks (which are another story) and I just felt so comfortable with whatever I was saying. I had Alyssa in stitches.

Tonight I got on facebook and immediately two guys pop up to talk to me, both of which I turned on my funny and had very different conversations with each of them, all sarcastic and hypothetical but both hilarious. I feel like I've found my way to communicate with people again.

Words can't even explain.

Two Life Revelations

So I've been filling out my education application for a few weeks now, its due on Friday so I gotta get my shit together and polish it up by then. The reason why its' taking so long is because the interview portion of the application is done online in the form of essay questions. There's 5 questions, only two of which have to do with teaching, but one of the unrelated questions struck me the other day. The question asks "Describe a situation where you attempted a difficult situation and the end result wasn't positive. How did you deal with it and what did you learn?". I have thought on this question for weeks, I have pondered over all of my memories trying to think of something relevant to put here. I have friends writing about how they tried out for their school sports teams and didn't make it, how they volunteered for a position that was way over their heads and couldn't manage. I took in all my friends stories and tried to relate, but I couldn't. Then I made a realization: I had never attempted something that I didn't already know that I couldn't succeed at, I had never taken any risks.

This realization lead to some serious psychological controversy within myself. I had never taken any risks. How boring of a life do I lead!? I'm sitting here with a ton of potential to do whatever I want. I can make money, I am able-bodied, I'm not held under and discriminatory oppression and for the most part I'm well liked both by friends and strangers. I realize that risks like hopping a flight to Zimbabwe in the middle of a random night weren't really an option for me what with school holding me back, ect. But how could I have gone 21 years without taking any real risks?!

I guess you could say I have taken risks in respect to relationships, I've opened myself up to a number of guys and been hurt by some of them, so I do know what its like to take a chance and have it fail. But as far as life experiences, living life to the fullest kind of thing, what have I been doing with myself for all these years?

I'm young right now, I have very little responsibilities at the moment, I should try living on the fly for a while. I should get out there and experience new things. I want to do that. I've always wanted to go to one of the poetry slams on Broadway every Friday, I want to try out the little indie pub in the basement of the old folks home across the river and I want to take up kickboxing. Why shouldn't I?

Here's the second part of this post that's kind of unrelated.

I might try to talk to Jenna about this, but lately I've realized that her life is a whole chapter behind mine right now. She just recently experienced her first heartbreak, whereas mine was almost two years ago. She's also attempting to remain friends with her ex who doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with her which, again, is something I went through months ago. She's watching her friends circle fall apart and for the first time has to feel the terrible feeling of being abandoned by people she trusted whole heartedly  something I went through a while ago. She's feeling the emptiness of loneliness as her friends drift away and she's helpless, which I dealt with last year when my friend group got chopped up and I couldn't fit into another one.

I feel bad for Jenna for having to go through these tough things that life throws at you, I hope she learned something from watching me go through them, but more than that, I realize how badly she wasn't there for me when I needed her when I was going through them.

I remember when, after months of depression, I tried to talk to her about how I felt alone or friendless (I was literally sobbing at one point) and she just brushed it off and continued to talk to me about how perfect her group of friends were. Every day she had new hilarious stories* (not hilarious to me bc I wasn't in on all of the insiders and had no idea who any of the people in her stories were) to tell me.   I remember talking to her about finally beginning to feel like I was fitting in again when her friend circle adopted me, and how she tried to kick me out of it. Eventually I found out that she was scared that they would all like me better than her, which I thought was silly, but annoying. She would tell her group things about me that I didn't want anyone to know, and talk about things I didn't understand with them when I was hanging out with them to alienate me. Probably the worst thing she would do was take my jokes, witty comebacks or even my funny stories and present them to the group as if they were her own. I absolutely hate when people do that. lol

Another thing she would do was criticize me for how I was dealing with my Johnson situation. It wasn't so much about the hookups or the breakup, it was about trying to be friends with him afterwards. She was supportive and by my side 100% and told Johnson off for me many times, which I was grateful for, but she wouldn't let me talk to him. Which is one of the reasons I'm on the high road right now (which I guess I can thank her for), but I wanted to just talk to him a few times and confront him about how he was talking to our friends about me and turning it into a war. I wanted to make him see that it didn't have to be that way, but Jenna forbid me from talking to him. Which made it much more difficult for me to deal with because then everything was internalized.

So now when she comes to me for advice and help for all these things that she's going through, I can relate to how she's feeling and I comfort her and try to help as best I can, but there's a part of me that's actually glad that she understands some of these things now and I hope she realizes how badly she misunderstood my situations before and takes the knowledge that my life is hugely different than hers into account next time I have a problem that she hasn't experienced yet.


Blog Soundtrack: Oath- Cher Lloyd, Let Your Heart Hold Fast - Fort Atlatic, You and Your Heart - Jack Johnson, The Funeral- Band of Horses

The "High Road"

So January has been interesting. I went from being incredibly happy in the beginning of the month to one whole week of unshakable hatred and anger. Through it all I've been doing my best to continue my journey on 'the high road' but its' been tough. REALLY TOUGH. Here's how it went.

I told you about the Meatball Fiasco of the 2013 New Year. This is in addition to that.

After the Meatball Fiasco I felt fine. I was not phased by some idiotic act of desperation and hatred and I actually kind of felt bad for Johnson because he had filled himself with so much petty hate and every vent he had used to try to get it out before was now clogged with the bullshit that he stuffed into each one (and by that I mean all his friends were tired of hearing about it). And so I wasn't phased. Of course I missed the kin gang more and more as days went by, I hung out with them less and less, but, being that it was the beginning of a new semester, I was optimistic. I was making new friends left and right, right and left! All of my classes were highly interactive and meeting people became easy. I was at ease and I'm pretty sure my aura turned a hideous shade of joyous yellow and radiated off me wherever I went. I was happy. I kept up with chores and interacted with ma peeps. Then it happened.

The kin gang was having a pub crawl fundraiser for some event that they were going to as a college. Of course I bought a ticket and was pumped to go, the theme was Canadian Tuxedo, aka denim on denim on denim. I had kin friends texting me daily talking about what they were going to wear, how much fun we were all going to have being drunk and rowdy as a group. I was psyched to say the least. No assignments due the next week. I was golden.

All was well until the Monday before the pub crawl (Friday) after a volleyball game when Bryna asked me and Jenna if we were going to Johnsons predrinking gig at his house on friday. I was confused as I had heard nothing about it. Bryna said that the invite was just send out via facebook group chat, so I checked my phone. Nothing. Apparently everyone in the group that was going to the pubcrawl was invited. Except me. At first this didn't really bother me all too much. Bryna said it was stupid to go to Johnsons to predrink when we lived two blocks from the bar and he lived on the other side of the city. So she volunteered to stay and predrink with me. Jenna said the same thing. Although I was very grateful for them to do this, I was still disapointed that everyone else was going to be at Johnsons having fun.

As the days progressed, I got more and more pissed at this situation. Jenna talked to Johnson and said that she wasn't going to just ditch me to go to his party, he replied with "Well she can come too if she wants", which I took to mean "She can come, but I don't want her to." which further translated into "If I make her feel uncomfortable with this, I'm still being socially acceptable but I'll still be upset if she has the nerve to come". I didn't want to go. The potential for the whole night ending in disaster would quadruple if I walked into that bear trap, so I opted out of being Jenna's 'plus one'. Johnson got mad at Jenna for choosing not to go to his house of course, and probably found some way to blame me for it. And that's when I got pissed.

I've always been the kind of person to try to make sure everyone else is alright before I check up with myself. My goals are to make sure everyone else is having a good time before I make sure I am. And usually that makes me happy. In cases of breakups with someone who is in the same friend circle, I do my best to make it so none of the in between friends feel like they're in an awkward place. Which is why I didn't understand Johnsons logic in this situation.

1. Inviting literally EVERYONE ELSE of the friend circle over would surely draw attention to the fact that there is a vendetta between us and put extra emphasis on the idea that they must either choose one side of the breakup or the other. 
2. Inviting literally EVERYONE ELSE over to end up at the same place that I would be at is not only cruel, its awkward again. Having everyone ask where I was for predrinking.. I would just have to explain that I wasn't invited. And they would feel awkward as if they had in fact just chosen a side. 
3. Johnsons house is ACROSS THE CITY from the bar we were starting at. Like we're talking $30 cab ride one way. It made no sense to start there. 
4. We always predrink at our house, we never sent out a formal invite on facebook because everyone just knows to come to our place for drinks because its usually close to where we're going.
5. Inviting me wouldn't have been a huge deal. Add me to a list on facebook. It's not like your getting down on one knee and sending me a hand written card, you're just including me.
6. GROW UP. 

I heard a number of different excuses Johnson used to explain why I wasn't on the guest list, apparently people were asking. One was that he wasn't sure if I was coming on the pub crawl so he didn't bother putting me on the list. Another was that I was his ex and he didn't want to have to invite his ex to every event he hosted (which was bullshit because I don't care about other events, just the ones where I'm the ONLY one not invited, and the main event is something we're all doing together anyways). Someone else told me that he said he had used an old facebook group chat to send the invite that I wasn't on - which turned out to be a fib since there was no group chat history. To me, there was nothing he could say to validate not inviting me. I just saw it as a childish act of petty revenge and I was sick of it. 

After the invite was sent on Monday, Jenna and I were bombarded with secret requests that we predrink at our house anyways. Everyone thought it was stupid to predrink at Johnsons because of how ridiculously far away it was. Jenna took the high road and told everyone that that wouldn't be fair seeing as Johnson invited people first and proclaiming that we were having people would just fuel the 'which side are you on' thing that was subliminally going on. Finally, on Thursday, I caved and told a few girls that they could come over if they wanted to. We had a small group together and predrinks were fun! 

But then we got to the bar.

 

The pub crawl was fantastic, great turnout, everyone got drunk and rowdy and I got many many compliments on my overalls. I was avoiding Johnson like the plague because just looking at him made me want to punch him in the face. How could he STILL be such a baby? 

The night was going great, I was meeting all kinds of people, getting lots of free drinks and dancing like a young MJ (haha terrible. just terrible). We returned to the original bar and stepped out onto the dancefloor, where later in the night, Johnson would noogie me out of no where. When I turned around to see who it was and saw that it was him, I just said WTF and carried on. He responded by jumping down onto the dance floor and dancing up beside me. I was this close *little man hand gesture*, THIS CLOSE *aggressive little man hand gesture* to slapping him across the face. After that my night was kind of ruined. 

The heart and soul of why I was angry was because, once again, I had to play by his rules. I had to act accordingly in fear that he would have another epic meltdown and bash me to all of our close friends again. If I stepped one toe out of line in front of him, it was game over and all the progress I had made with breaking down his wall of childish ignorance would be destroyed and people would feel more compelled to choose a side. I didn't want people to choose a side, even if that side was mine. I wanted everyone to be friends in harmony again. SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE! Sorry, thought that reference would be relevant here.

Anyways, the next day I found out that after I had tip toed around all night trying not to upset the bull in the china shop that was our friend circle, Johnson had macked on like 5 girls that night. I was crushed. Not because I was jealous of any of those girls, not because I wanted him to be making out with me, but because I had put so much effort into mending this shit hole and he had been working in the opposite direction. If I were the one who had made out with 5 people that night, Johnson would have blown up. I doubt that he would have been jealous, but he would have made a big deal about it to all our friends and put me under the magnifying glass to point out even more of my flaws to the world. I on the other hand, am still trying to opt for the high road. Which I'm increasingly starting to think is overrated. 

Do you know how hard it is to not join in on bashing someone who treats you like that? Several of our friends have come to me just disgusted by his behavior that night and all I can do is nod my head and try not to burst into a projectile word vomit of all the nasty things that I would love to say about him. But again, I don't want our friend to feel like they have to choose between us, so I keep quiet. I don't stand up for him when they bash on him by any means, but I don't join in. I could sink to his level and dive into the friend claiming war thats going on here but that's not who I want to be. 

I even try to keep it to a minimum when talking to Jenna, who is and has been my outlet for literally everything ever. I know they're still friends and as much as I want her to just finally see what a douche he is, I don't want to go there. Its been eating me inside out for the last week and a half. I've been literally going crazy. I'm disgusted by Johnson but more so I'm disgusted by myself. I've done such a good job of managing these feelings over the past few years. I didn't even feel this enraged when me and Brad broke up, and that was a much harder breakup than this one. I kept it together in that situation so why am I slowly cracking in this one? I know, Brad didn't harass me and dissect my every move as a way to sabotage my relationships with my friends. Brad wasn't a crazy fuck. He was equally douchey in what he did to me, but at least he didn't string it out like this. 

I guess that's all I have to say about this. I played basketball on Wednesday and that really hepled me deal, I let a lot of anger out while playing and I was actually kind of a decent defender. Shooting still shits the bed every time but hey, I kept them from getting at least 10 baskets. I think I'll look forward to basketball every wednesday now. I just don't want to live under the microscope for any longer. I wish I could cut him out of my life completely. He is truly the guy version of the psychotic ex girlfriend. 

How do I not stray off the high road when I'm this upset about it?

And also, I also just found out that he banged one of the girls on his sports team a few weeks ago. And that it was the best sex he ever had- his first time doing anal! (aaaaand then I literally keeled over and almost threw up- I don't think guys will understand how truly gross that is to hear, girls will probably get it though.)