I am 20.5 years old. And today I smoked my very first cigarette.

Heya Folks!

So this is a bit of a more serious post. Here goes..

My mom has smoked for as long as I can remember and even before then. She started at a party when a cool guy offered her a cigarette. Like most people. Anyways, she quit when she was pregnant both times and then started up after her last kid (aka my bro) was born. Her and my dad smoked like chimenys for years and years, up to a pack a day (or more). As me and my siblings grew up, we started catching on that smoking was very bad for someone, especially in the huge doses that my parents were sucking it in. And although I didn't really care at the time, I also noted that it was bad for me as a young person. Anyway, for our 10th birthday, instead of asking for physical items or a big party and whatnot, me and my sister just asked our parents to quit smoking. They of course were taken aback by these two little sweet twins who gave up presents for healthier parents. I'm not sure if sweet is the right word considering we were well into our EVERLASTING awkward ugly stage at that time, but to my parents, we were just as precious as we were back in the days of our chubby legs and golden mushroom cuts. TO THE POINT!

They both complied of course, and it took some time. Dad cut his smoke stack IN HALF in the first few months and was able to fully quit after 1 year. Mom, on the other hand, didn't take the wager seriously and stopped cold turkey for a grand total of 2 days (I'm paraphrasing here as I don't remember the exact length, but I know it wasn't long).

Every year after our 10th birthday, we would beg Mom to give it up. And every year we were disappointed by her lack of commitment to the promises she renewed EVERY YEAR.

We started taking matters into our own hands. Any time we would find a piece of smoking memorabilia, a lighter, a box of cigs, matchbooks, one time we even found a CASE, we would find some way to sabotage it. At first we would just take the smokes and hide them. Then mom would get mad enough at us that we would have to show her all our hiding spots. As we got older, our meddling progressed as we rebelled against our own mothers rules about giving up the smokes we took. We flat out destroyed those cancer sticks. Sometimes we would break them up, once we froze them in a big icecube, we took her lighters (I still have a collection hidden away that she has yet to find), we would find her packs and replace the cigarettes with dogfood, "fake" cigarettes (rolled up paper), nasty hand written notes, ect. We went full out dropping other hints too. One time I came home from soccer practice to find that my brother had plastered the entire interior of the house in post its that he had written anti-smoking messages on. Mom still has one of them hanging on her bedroom mirror.

Things were taken to the next level when we got a little older still. We continued confiscating all smokes we found around the house, and flat out ripping a smoke out of her hand if we caught her. But we upped the anti to an actual price. We bargained that every time we caught her smoking, we could take a quarter out of her spare change jar on top of the dresser in her bedroom. Sadly, I think I made as much money that way as I did babysitting for some people.

Jenna took it upon herself to pull out the water works when neccessary. I remember a couple handfuls of times after Jenna would catch mom with a cig to her lips and would start crying and begging her to quit. I took a harsher approach and was always the one to yell at her if I found out. I got so fed up that more than once I just completely unloaded on her and would walk away from a fight feeling good.

Time went on and, though she had slowed down quite a bit, she still hadn't quit.

Finally the day came when I was in grade 12, that Jenna marched up to mom while she was smoking, took the cigarette from her hand, and instead of squishing it right there, she smoked the rest of it in front of mom. This of course crushed my mom. It only too 2 months of doing that for mom to quit completely. And all was well.

Was.

She had cut herself off for almost a full 2 years. Unfortunately, when I got home from uni this year, all the warning signs that I had trained myself so keenly on before were back. Washing her hands and brushing her teeth when she came home from work, the windows of her car slightly rolled down so the car could air out, the faint smell of smoke on the back deck, it was all back. I actually confronted my mom about the car windows once, and then Jenna came out of no where and started defending mom and telling me not to insult her. And mom just let her do that! Later on when I found out the truth I was pretty discusted in her for that.

Now we're back to square one.  I was never the one to smoke moms cigarettes in front of her, see I had this thing that I wanted to go my whole life and be able to say that I never smoked anything. That all changed today. I caught mom just after she had lit it. I smoked the whole thing myself. It was awful, felt like I was coating the inside of my lungs with smelly grease that just egged on a coughing fit everytime I breathed. It's hours later now and I can still feel it, thick like mud in my airways. I looked at my mother in the middle of hacking up a lung, she was tearing up. I asked her how she felt, being on the other end of the stick. And she said that she just wanted to cry. And cry she did. Not really, but all the emotion was there (it takes a shit ton to make mom shed an actual tear).

I'm not sure why she started again. But I have a plan this time. I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes and let her catch me smoking them. Make it seem like I've gotten into it. Then maybe she might reconsider it? I don't know. I remember when I used to think that packing a pack of cigs with dogfood was somewhat crossing a line that didn't need to be crossed. So naive to think that back then.

I want my mom to be around for my uni graduation, for when I get married and buy my own house. I want her to meet her grandkids and watch them grown up. And smoking is just gonna take away some or all of that. And she doesn't seem to get it through her brain that its deadly. It's just a pointless poison going straight into one of the most fragile organs of the body. And she has a solid 30 years of inhaling that shit behind her. I don't want her to be one of those old ladies that has a smokers cough and who can't hardly walk around town without wheezing. That's my rant.

Naked Blogging (Part II)

This blog will be in Old-Jory style where I practically just say anything and everything that pops into my head. And this is all I'm gonna have for an intro.

I'm sitting in my room, my old room at my parents house. Just moved my mattress in the night before last. And it feels great. One of the sweetest feelings in the world is moving from an uncomfortable single mattress on the floor (which I just spent 4 nights on and all of chirstmas break on), and then into a big, kushy (lol) bed with clean sheets. Just want to snuggle down and stay here forever, especially since this house is kept at a MAX of 17 degrees celcius at all times :/ 

Do you believe in Karma? I don't really... but I still believe in being civil to everyone. That WILL get you places. But on the other hand, if you do it right, so will being hostile to everyone. :/ 

AHHHH just got a huuuuuuuge craving for some KD! How is it that I went a whole year of living on my own, with my own kitchen, and no parents to cook for me, and only ended up eating like 10 boxes of kraft dinner? I'm not complaining, because I never want to get sick of that cheesey gold. 

My nose ring fell out yesterday. :( my last good one. so now I'm just wearing this plastic plug to keep the hole open. It looks kindof like a pimple. Gonna have to figure out a way to get a new one with a jewel in it before arlees grad tomorrow.. 

I found this fishbowl in my closet that I used in first year to keep a fish. I think I'm gonna get it going again. I miss having little fishies around.

Guess how many disco balls are hanging in my room? No, just guess! Have your number? If you guessed five your right! .... its disco ball overkill in here. 

Along with many other prizes I found in my room, I also found this little box of old text messages or msn conversations. They are very VERY dramatic. Haha I just want to slap myself upside the head for putting so much meaning behind every word. Although there is an old one from an ex from after we had ended, and he offered to set me up with a job if I moved to Calgary. And also offered up a spot in his own house if I wanted to move out there. ..... I guess I can see where I would take that one and thought its a bigger deal than it was.

Gotta go.. Ho.