SWED! .. if you want to

I openly encourage people to make up their own mind about weed. Some people are really into it and love it and are successful in life despite taking on names like stoner, pot-head or toker. Others are perfectly fine with life without it, like me. Blog readers, do not get offended by what I'm about to say, it's just a a telling of my personal beliefs.

I'm sure weed has its pros, I have absolutely nothing against it or those who do it or condone it, I just choose not to do it for my own reasons. I don't reject it because I think I'm too good or that anyone who does it is simply a burnout stoner, as most people do. I just have never wanted to do it. I've seen friends get high time after time and, although they like to think they're getting smarter/more creative, most times, they can barely get a word out without laughing or losing concentration of what they were saying. And when they come down from their high, they look back over their ideas and don't understand them or realize they weren't possible or that they were useless.

I feel like these reverse considerations that people have when their high can be uncovered soberly as well if you just open your mind. I don't believe that someone needs weed to make a realization that they never would have considered before. Deep thinking is a talent, and it can be learned without sucking toxins into your lungs.

A friend of mine, Tyler, has been smoking weed every day for the past 4 years. He tried to quit one day and just transformed into this terrible person I never want to know again. He was easily frustrated by everything and anything, he was irritable, he would freak out at anyone who stepped out of line and shot people's jokes down the minute they escaped their lips. This was not the Tyler I knew, and I knew him before he started smoking weed too. He's not addicted to weed, but he's dependent on it to have fun now. Actually, he's dependent on it to have any kind of good emotion. When he's not high, he's not happy.

I don't know if you've picked this up about me, but I hate feeling dependent on something/someone. It scares the shit out of me. I have so much fun being sober, I also have incredibly deep thoughts, none of which I have shared with anyone since the words to describe them haven't been invented yet. I can also soberly concentrate on something if I want to, I can appreciate movies, music, nature, food and humor to the 10th degree when I'm sober and I can socialize with other people easily without a drug/drink in my system. I would never want to compare the beauty and wonder that I can experience with a fully sober mind to that of a mind that is making up magic tricks for itself. Why would I want to make reality less amazing by comparing it to the fantasy realm that comes with smoking weed? I can understand it can be a fun recreational tool, but I really don't believe that I need it. And like I said before, depending on something like that to have a good time is just not my style.

I have no doubts that it's an awesome experience and that it can be medically genius, I just don't want it. If I'm going to have a brilliant idea/revelation, I want to attribute that brilliant moment to me and myself, not the smoke in my lungs. I strongly believe that the power of the mind can be unleashed on its own, with knowledge as the drug that fuels the release of these incredible thoughts/emotions.

But like I said, I think people should make up their own mind about weed usage. It has its' pros and cons and I'm not trying to convince anyone to not do it. And it's easy for people who have done it to criticize me and say that I don't know what I'm missing and that it's the best thing that's ever happened to them, that the person they were before was shitty compared to who they are now, but try to refrain from comparing that person that you were before to the person that I am now. No one person can compare themselves to another since everyones' experiences and thoughts are so different. I love the feeling of being free, not depending on the essence of a drug or drink to feel as happy or mad or sad as I can be. I don't want to compromise that by getting high. Even once. I want my experiences to be my own. 

My 21st Birthday. From Terrific to Shit.

So here's how I celebrated my birthday:

Jenna woke me up at 7:16 am to remind me that we were 21. As if I had forgotten. I promised to cut her later for that. So early. I tried to go back to sleep. Magan called me at 8:20 and I groggily talked with her. As soon as I hung up, Mom called with Dad.  (Shit gets more interesting as the day goes on, keep reading)

Then I finally got up around 8:30 and started getting ready for school. I got a text from Freddy saying that English class was cancelled that day, but I headed off to school anyways. When I got to school, I went to the Kin lounge where I was greeted by a few happy birthdays and big hugs from Freddy and Brooke. Freddy also made me a card which was hilarious. And then I set off to the library where I got a lot of studying done. A guy came and sat at the four person table I was hogging. I tried to slide over some of my papers so he would have room and it resulted in me pushing other papers onto the floor. That was a little embarassing. But we carried on. Jenna brought me an eggnog latte about an hour later!
Jenna: Happy birthday Jory!
Me: Happy birthday Jenna!
Guy: Whoah are you guys twins and it's your birthday?!
Us: Yes we are and yes it is!
Guy: No kidding! That was the cutest thing ever! Happy birthday!
*Me and Jenna instantly turn bright red and thank him*

Jenna left and an hour later the guy asked me what I was working on, I replied studying for biology. We got talking and he seemed really nice. And one thing lead to another and he got my number! Nothing is gonna happen there but it was just a really sweet thing to happen, so cute!

Then Joel (that was his name) left and I was alone once again. I continued studying when this really cute guy that I met in September walked into the library, saw me and waved and smiled. I happily smiled back. I put my head down again and the next time I look up, who should be there but Brad*. I gave a bright smile towards him (even though I kind of hate him right now) and he said happy birthday too as he passed. Then his friend said it to. I was happy enough with that. I studied for 30 more minutes then got the hell outta there. They were at a table right behind me and I wasn't having it.

I went into the computer lab in the Bio building where Solomon was working on his lab report. He wished me a happy birthday as well and I was about to sit down, but the latte suddenly kicked in and I couldn't hardly sit still. So I got outta there and went for a walk around campus. I ended up walking towards the PAC (Kinesiology building) and was about 20 feet from the door when Jenna, Johnson and Freddy emerged. Freddy yelled happy birthday again and Johnson pretended like he didn't see me. :/ anyways, I went up to that computer lab and crushed out my music assignment.

I had no classes/labs all day so I got a lot of studying done.

When I got home, both of our roommates were gone. Bryna was gone to Lethbridge with the hockey team and the other one had disappeared. All of her dishes from her supper were still out on the table, the dishwasher that she was supposed to empty was still full and the sidewalk hadn't been shoveled. So that was kind of disappointing to do when it was our birthday. But life goes on.

Jenna cooked meatballs and rice for supper for the two of us, then Alyssa came over with cupcakes and presents. We celebrated a little and got ready to go out. Brooke showed up after a while too and then we headed out.

We got to the bar before it was busy (9:30 ish) and the whole place was a meat market. We were the only girls. Brooke bought us birthday shots, then some old guy bought us some more. I did Alyssa's second shot because she was driving. Then I grabbed a beer.

Shot/Drink Count: 4

We were sitting around a table and a creepy uninteresting guy came and started layin down the lines thick. I told him my name was Angelica.

One by one the friends started arriving. Gill bought me a drink. A large group of Kin friends had just arrived and me and Jenna went to greet them. Johnson emerged from the group, ran up to Jenna (who was right beside me), gave her a big hug and wished her happy birthday again. I stood there patiently waiting, I worked up a smile to have ready for when he wished me a HBD, but it never came. In fact, he didn't even look my way, just put his hand on Jenna's lower back and guided her towards the group so I was left standing on the outskirts alone. I could have cried. Instead I walked awkwardly away to find another group to talk to since he had clearly marked his territory. I eventually edged over to the kin group, no sign of Johnson. Peter gave me a huge, back breaking hug.. just as Johnson arrived. He quickly let me go and gave a weak smile. Steven offered to buy me a drink. Instead, he bought me a drink and a shot.

Shot/Drink Count: 7

Started dancing, loving life. I was pulled from one guy to the next, my friend Sheldon almost killed me. He also bought me 2 shots.

Shot/Drink Count: 9

AJ and Jenna were out on the D floor and he tried to flip her. It didn't go over so well, choppy. Me and Steven showed them what was up.

It was getting close to midnight and I realized Johnson had yet to say happy birthday or even acknowledge that I existed. I ran into Brooke in the bathroom and told her about what a twat Johnson was being. She agreed on the twat bit. She said that he had told Gill "Looks like I'm having birthday sex tonight" -- a in "Looks like Jory's getting drunk and will probably take me home tonight because she can't control herself around me". I was pissed.

I re approached the kin circle and found Peter, Andrew, Greg and Johnson there. Apparently it was Andrews 21st birthday at midnight. Me and Peter had a celebratory Old Balls Club hug since everyone else in the circle was still 20. The moment the clock struck midnight, Johnson started freaking out: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW YOU'RE OLD BALLS NOW! YAYYY *hand flail* -- I was kind of like WTF. He still hasn't said happy birthday to me. The three 21 year olds hugged it out again and then the girls dragged me onto the dance floor.

In the middle of the song, a guy pulled me from our group and asked if I could dance, when I turned around, I saw that it was Johnson. He doesn't two-step for the record. We started dancing, I was fairly rude. "So you're not ignoring me now? Only on my birthday hey?" Ice cold. He apologized. I grilled him a few more times then accepted his apology. He asked if I wanted a birthday hookup. I just kind of .... WHAT?! NO! I said we were no longer hooking up! And he offered just a talk instead. I agreed to the talk. I was happy! We were talking again and it didn't feel like he hated my guts. We danced for another song, cracking jokes, whatever else. It was good. I told him maybe about the coming over thing.

And then I got a text from Cute September guy who waved to me in the library earlier. He was apologizing for not coming over and talking to me! haha I told him it was my birthday and that he should come to the bar, he said that he was DDing friends there anyway and told me to save him a dance.

I continued dancing with other guys and having a genuinely good time. Then my neighbor, who I met at the same time as September, showed up and he also wished me a happy birthday, as did his roomie. And then he bought me a shot. While we were in line, someone offered us a flaming sambucca shot. Grosses thing ever. We got our shots eventually.

Shot/Drink Count: 11

Then the DJ yelled THIS NEXT ONE IS GOING OUT TO JENNA AND JORY - TWINS! ON THEIR BIRTHDAY!  and Somebody Like You by Keith Urban started playing. I was looking around for Jenna when September came up and asked me to dance. He's a very good dancer. Johnson texted me asking when I was leaving and what was going on. I didn't respond. You're not supposed to text and drive (haha geddit, I had my wheels on). He offered to buy me another shot, I complied. We did shots!

Shot Count: 12
Time Count: 3 hours.

We danced a few times and then I told him I should find Jenna. Since he is 6'7 (yea) he scoped the place out and we found her. In the same group as Johnson. She was passing out on Peters shoulder. So I told September that I should probably go home now. It was 2 am anyways and we all had school the next day. He graciously understood, but never left my side. D'aww. So I kept talking to him, introduced him to some of my friends. You know. Then he asked what I was doing on Saturday after my lab final. I completely missed my cue and said that I was thinking of going shopping. So he asked if I was busy Sunday. I said no, and he asked if I would hangout with him. YEA! He's incredibly cute. So we kind of made loose plans for a date.

We finally got Jenna moving towards the door, I said a quick goodbye to September and followed Peter (holding Jenna) to coat check. Johnson followed me. He asked me again what was going on and I shrugged and grabbed my coat. Then Jenna asked me to make up my mind, so I just looked at Johnson and said no. Sorry. No. I didn't wait around to check his response expression. I kinda got everyone together and then pushed them out the door, before I left, I gave Johnson a light punch and waved bye to him.

We went to McD's naturally. On the way I texted Johnson apologizing for kinda backing out of things, but the only thing I really wanted to discuss was the fact that he was ignoring me, and we got that out of the way when we were dancing. Big Mistake. He started talking about how he didn't want to anyways, and why would I expect that he would come over just to talk, we're not going to be friends. ECT ECT DRAMA ECT! Holy shit. On my birthday.

Yea so eventually he was just like "Please stop texting me." So I did. Whatever. I passed the fuck out. haha

Then today, I gathered a few scraggly happy belated birthdays and then at 2:00 he sent me a giant long facebook message. OH MY GOD I didn't even want to read it. Again he brought up how I was the bad guy and the reason we couldn't be friends was because I'm such a bitch bla bla bla. I didn't respond again.

Rant:
What is the point of asking me to hook up? You know I'm going to say no, just like I said last time. And then to say that it would be like a treat for my birthday? WHAT! All it did was start more drama, and I didn't want that. He could have just said happy birthday ON my birthday and I would have been happy as a peach. And to put me in that position where I have to either A.) Shut you down on the spot or B.) Take you home, make all your feelings for me come back, pretend like there's no strings attatched, and then shut you down even harder the next day. So either way I'm the bad guy, and all he got out of it was another excuse to bitch at me. Just reminded me how thankful I am not to be with him anymore.

Moral of the story, if a guy you're seeing can only talk about his ex girlfriends, and can only talk about them in negative ways, get the fuck outta there! he is more than likely a drama queen who is just waiting for your breakup so he can add your relationship to his book of sob stories to tell to the next girl. God.

To Sad Future Jory: Remember these things.

I turned 21 today! I've lived for so long! I love birthdays so much. This is probably my favorite day of the year, just because I have never had a bad birthday. I always build them up so much in my head that when they finally roll around, I have a wonderful day! I studied for most of today, and managed to see/talk to every single ex boyfriend I've had for the past two years. Ya. I was very cold towards Brad*. He deserved it. Anyways I have big plans for tonight which I will probably fill this blog in on tomorrow or the next day when I need a study break. So to fill the space, here's a post I wrote the other day but forgot to publish...




This is a post for my future self to read when she comes back into that inevitable state of depression. Whenever that may be.

Ok Jory. You've been through a lot in your young age. Battling with depression is one of those things. And when you're in those low spots, I know, it feels like you will never be happy again. And that pretending to be happy for those around you is a constant strain on your emotional well being. You tend to hold things in so as to not bother other people with them, make sure that other people know that you are as solid as a rock so that they can feel like they have someone strong and supportive to talk to when they're going through a rough time. Someone who is never too caught up in her own problems to lend a hand with someone else's.

That's all fine and dandy. But when you're depressed, you gotta realize that you need to work on your problems first. I know how shitty they are to look at and deal with. You've had some doozies. But that's why I'm writing to you right now, in a state of complete contentment. I'm lending you your own advice on how to get happy again for when you forget and can only see cloudy skies ahead.

First thing is: Stop thinking about it. This is the most important step. If you have done all you can do to deal with it, or all you can do without completely severing an important relationship with someone, then let it go. Don't tell me how hard that is to do, I KNOW how hard that is to do. But basically its vital that you stop thinking about it. Because when you think, you tend to over-think and then you get lost in your own mind, which is a very dangerous place to be. You will probably have some kind of psychiatric illness when your older if you don't stop doing this now. Just be a normal 21 year old and take life as it comes to you.

Secondly, keep busy. Dedicate all your energy to your school, sports, cleaning, friends, keep in touch with your parents. Talk with dad, he always knows what to say. And his words have fun hidden meanings in all of them since he doesn't know so much about the badass side of your life.

And stop forcing happiness. Sure be pleasant to those around you, but stop telling yourself that your life is over if you don't find happiness within the next week. Stop forcing it. It will come. Like last time.

Picking beans in the garden - you hate picking beans - and you stop just for a second, not even thinking, look around at all the plants that you planted, that grew because you planted them. You feel this overwhelming breeze, but there is no wind. It's just incredibly light. And for no reason either. You just forgot to be unhappy at that moment. And that moment lasted the rest of the summer and into the school year. I had another one of those moments yesterday, it didn't happen as suddenly (I don't think I was in the same state of depression as I was before) but you were walking to the bus stop in the morning and realized you were smiling. You weren't even thinking of anything- not even a boy! Just free of silly depressing thoughts. It's great to be back in happyland again.

I know you think it sounds hard, it is hard. But its not impossible. And you will not be unhappy forever. Keep that in mind.

Right now you are completely single, you're well liked, funny, caring, doing well in school, making time for your family who love you, and dare i say that you might have even looked somewhat pretty today (despite your cold sore). Stop overthinking. Don't force it. And just be happy. Read a happy book. that's my final advice.

I got your back.

(PS, blog readers, I talk to myself. So what?)

Good Coffee

There's nothing worse than sitting at home alone, completely at mercy of the huge pan of delicious pumpkin pie crunch dessert that you made yesterday. I keep sneaking bites throughout the day. I'm cutting myself off. Drinking eggnog instead. And yes, its with spiced rum. 

Although I love eggnog, I'm not a huge fan of the marketing for Christmas right now. It's not even two weeks into November! I swear they just take all the uneaten halloween candy into the back of Walmart, dump it into Christmas boxes and sell it for twice the price. It's all a marketing scheme. It's dumb.

I think I've mentioned on here before how much I love shower-thinking. It's like dreams though, all my genius thoughts evaporate as soon as I step out into the cold air. It's unfortunate because last night I had a crazy good idea for a blog which I was going to write about right now but completely forgot. Heh.

I was also daydreaming yesterday and thought it would be kind of cool if in an alternate universe somewhere, people naturally grew different colours of hair. I don't mean like blonde, brown or red. I mean blue, yellow, green and pink. Here's a theory: All people's hair used to be all these crazy funky colours way back in the evolution of humans, but over time they combined and evolved into the same dull colours we have today. Kind of like how when you mix a bunch of colours of paint together, the end result is brown. Or black, or light brown, or red. Depending on what colours were mixed. 

I also find it weird to think about the fact that I am related to people who lived through med evil times. I always think of them simply as characters of movies or books, but they were real people who had kids. And everyone that is alive right now was a descendant of someone. Weird how insignificant and small that makes me. I feel as if me being a descendant of an evil kind of Scotland (true story) makes me special, but when you boil it down, everyone was probably a descendant of someone important. Since the human population was so small to begin with. huh.

Jenna and her boyfriend just got home and they think that I can't hear them making out downstairs. I totally can. Aw I lost my deep conversation with my blog. Oh well. Time to continue on with Season 4 of Gilmore Girls. (I also have a paper due on Wednesday that I'm only half done.)  

Weak Lemonade

So I kinda forgot to post about recent events of my life. so here goes

1. This past Friday I was in a car accident. Some idiot blew through a yield sign, and because the roads were so icy, there was nothing we could do but T-bone him. We weren't going that fast to begin with (maybe 20-25 kmph) but it felt like we hit super hard. I always kind of thought that if you were going that slow, a collision wouldn't really hurt and you would be totally fine without a seat belt, but I could not have been more wrong. My neck and shoulders are still killing me. 

2. I started volunteering today. I'm a study group leader at a school across town for immigrant kids. It was actually a lot of fun today, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Even working with the most challenging kids was fun. 

3. I got all my midterm marks back. ALL of my marks were good. And 3 of them were great! Needless to say, I'm very pleased. It's such a nice change from last year when I couldn't get my shit together. It's nice to feel smart again. (I couldn't get my shit together anyway I hope you die Arhia)

4. I wrote an entire essay yesterday. I couldn't get my creative juices flowing all day, then I went to dodgeball and got home and drank wine til I was buzzed. I should always write when I'm buzzed, creative juices just flow better.

5. Speaking of dodgeball, I'm on three rec teams this year. Co-Ed vball, ladies vball, and dodgeball. All teams are doing well, except co-ed volleyball, were about 50% right now. We're first in both girls vball and dodgeball. Last night the other team didn't even show up to dodge, so our team just fucked around in the gym for an hour. It was fun, and we played boys vs girls and two boys. Girls team kicked the boys teams ass.

6. I'm 100% single. And happy this time! Last year I was so depressed being single, so unhappy with life and my decisions and my grades and my friends. Now I'm flying. Feels good man

7. I burn candles a lot now. My room gets so cold. 

8. I've written songs. Lot's of songs. Can't wait to record them one day.

9. I'm out of ideas for this blog. 

10. Oh yea, I made lemonade tonight. It was weak. 

Post Soundtrack: Runaway - Kanye West, Dear God - FM static

..wut.

So apparently 10 people today found my blog on Stumbleupon. That's kinda cool.

But seriously why is this on stumbleupon?

Here's A Post You Should Read When You Want To Procrastinate For A Very Long Time.

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Steven Messaged You

You know what I fucking love? Alphaghetti. Or Zoodles. Or Dora-Shaped-Pasta-in-Tomato-Sauce. That shit, I can't get enough of it. Bought three cans at the store the other day and just ate half of one. MMMMMM

I remember one time when I was little I had this weird thing on my finger. It was right beside my nail on my right pointer finger, on the thumb side. I was so embarrassed of it, I would hide my hands so no one saw it. It wasn't big. But I had no idea what it was. One day my mom noticed and she thought it was a wart. This was after years of having it. So we went and I had it frozen or whatever at the doctors. It didn't work. Nothing worked. Then one day, when I was about 9 or 10, I was running from the garage to my dads truck, and it just fell off. Just like that. And I haven't thought about it since. Until just now. Odd that that memory popped into my head.

IN OTHER NEWS
Me, Jenna and my friend *Melissa are trying out for Telemiracle on Sunday. We've been kind of practicing for a while now, we basically just get together, talk about life and play some songs, usually we don't get all the way through them without breaking down and laughing at someones stupid interpretive dance, or opera voice or drooping face when they mess up. It's a good time. We're stuck between two of the songs to play. So we performed for my roommates tonight to see what they like better. And they were very one sided that we should play American Honey by Lady Antebellum. Which I agree. We make it sound good. So I'm excited! Except I have no idea what to do performance wise. Like sure it sounds nice, but how do we move on stage to accompany that song?

There really isn't much else to say other than I'm kind of loving life right now. So stress free. Until my Sunday night because I have an essay due the next day. That I haven't started. Or even looked at. Or even read the books that it's on. SHIT what's happening to my organizational skills?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

#conflicted lol poopoooooooooooooooop