Relationship Rant

I have an exam tommorow that I should be studying for. And a geography assignment due for Tuesday.. But my brain just shut down not too long ago.

Ok, so life lately has been extremely roller coaster-y. Mainly because there's a crap load of problems with my love life and everything's screwed up and I can't get my mind off it! I just feel heavy, you know? It's like feeling sick, without the illness, but I want to take some kind of drug or pill that will make me feel better, or try puking because that usually works if you ate something funky, but the only thing that really helps is occupying myself with other stuff. I want to go swimming or play piano or explore campus or hang out with a group of buddies, but at the same time I feel like I have no energy for that stuff. But more than that, I have no one to do it with. I don't know how I feel anymore, I think I'm all good, but then I see him with another girl, or I spend time with him and everything is right back where it was a month ago. I kinda wish he wouldn't have came back in the first place because I was getting back to happy and starting to know what direction my life was going in again, and now that's all up in the air once more. I don't know if I should start seeing other people, or if we're still together? I want to talk it out, but every time I try, something gets in the way. I want to make this decision for myself, but everyone keeps telling me what to do (which means I'm just gonna push against whatever they tell me.. because that's a habit that still hasn't really worn off since my rebellious teenage years haha). So I don't know who I'm making this decision for anymore, myself, my friends/fam or the little rebel inside me that has no idea what's going on but just wants to be independent. I'm totally frustrated right now and I can feel it taking away from my academic and social life. I can't have a conversation with my parents without them bringing him up and asking me what's going on.. and it just reminds me that I have no clue. I used to always look at other peoples situations and think they were so easy, but it's so much harder being on this side of the story. I wish I could read minds and figure out what the hell is going on. That's all I care about at this point, whatever the outcome is, at least I won't feel so confused by it all anymore.

Offcenter

FINALLY midterms are over!  My midterm schedual was brutal this year. Two of my toughests classes were back to back on the same day. Followed by a four hour lab that we didn't even finish so I had homework. Ugh! At least its all in the past now.  I keep thinking life is gonna slow down to the way it was before, but it probably won't. Sigh sigh sigh. I feel like putty right now. Like so tired for no particiular reason. Actually there is a reason, in celebration of finishing my exams, I decided to stay up waaaaay too late last night watching Dazed and Confused. It made me wish i was alive in the seventies. If I had a time machine that is the first place I would visit. And I would see my parents when they were my age - I woner if we woul be friends... ?? Probably. I mean they raised me. I'm sure I would be a suitable friend for them. I can't wait til I'm at the age that we can be like best friends the way my mom and my granmda are. I wonder if it will happen soon..

I'm outside again. Don;t know how many more outoor blogs I'm gonna be able to make this year.. It's starting to get pretty cold. BAH who am I kidding? Its almost November and I'm out here in a light bunnyhug!!! My fingers are a little chilly though haha 

There are times when I think that I won't make it through university alive. Like all of last week. It was so painful to sit in the library for hours on end just reading and writring, reading and writing!! I don't think anyone probably did good on the bmsc 224 midterm though.. It was ridiculously detailed and worded very tricky. Maybe I will get lucky and scrape up a 54%. Geez. I'm gonna have to rock the final and the rest of the labs now. Can't afford anymore shitty marks. 

What else can I tell you? This blog has been a pretty unconnected string of thoughts. OH its Halloween next week! But I'm celebrating this weekend at Monster Mash :D It should be fun if it's anything like LB5Q :) I don't even want to say what I'm being. It's pretty embarassing...

Have you ever been listening to music and just not even noticed it was playing? I usually listen to music on the bus or when I walk to school.. and sometimes when I get to school I cant even remember what songs I heard in that ten minute period! It;s crazy how terrible you can remember things when you're mind is occupied with other thoughts. 

I guess there isn't much else I can talk about.. My battery is gonna die here pretty quickly. Friggen Jenna forgot her English textbook at home today so I had to lug it to school for her and then she didn't even need it!!

Uh living arrangements have been interesting...  I don't really like one of myy roommates ... haha neither do my other roomies.. 

Anyway.. songs I'm listening to right now are:

Hey Hey Hey -Michael Franti

Paradise - Coldplay

How to Love - Lil Wayne (is that seriously his name? It's so awful.)

Disaster - Jojo

We found eachother in the dark - City and Colour

Every Little Thing -Young the Giant

and..

Love you Like a Love Song -Selena Gomez -IM SO ASHAMED!!!  Plus I'm a huge hypocrit for beaking this song just about as much as I listen to it. At least I'm not listening to Mistltoe by JB on repeat like Jenna.... haha 

Ugh I have a lab in over an hour... and ten minutes of battery left.. I wish I could just skip my lab. 

Wow I'm sorry to whoever has made it thus far in this post. It's so boring

Tomorow I'm joining the ranks of women everywhere and going shoe shopping with one of my girlfriends. Yes. Me. Shoe shopping. What is this city doing to me?! Oh well.. I need to invest in some winter ish shoes anyway. 

Jump Into My Mind! .. for a second

Been doing a lot of life thinking lately. I wonder if I'll ever stop this obsession I have with thinking impossible thoughts. Anyway, here's the latest:

Ever wonder if you've been alive before? As in the body you are in now is a reincarnation of a life you had before, but you don't remember any of it. Like your personality has been in someone from hundreds or thousands of years ago. What if EVERYONE is simply a duplicated personality of someone who lived in the past? What if everyone's soul is simply recycled and put into a new body? What if I lived and died multiple times already? I'm trying to wrap my head around it a bit, but it's kind of hard - I can't decide that, if this is actually what is happening, if it's a good thing or not. It seems like it should be comforting to know that I potentially have life ahead of me after death, but it also seems sad that I won't remember anything from this life. That I will just have to start new and make the same mistakes. Oh my god. What if I'm living a slightly modernized version of the life I've already lived before? Like someone in the past followed my same footsteps, was good at what I'm good at, fell in love with the same people I fell in love with? We're we part of each other's past lives? Was I born to the same parents back then? Did I know my siblings? I can't imagine life without the family I have right now, it's an impossible thought.

On a different token, have you ever looked at a stranger and tried to picture what they're going to look like in 30 years? 50 years? 70 years? I gave presentations to high school kids this past week about joining my university and I looked at all their faces and how incredibly young they looked. Then I started thinking if I've aged that much in 2 years, how much will these kids age in a few decades? I think I'm getting pretty good at it. I can look at someones face and visualize wrinkles or a droopy smile. I can see laugh lines appear with short, white hair framing their faces. I think I spend too much time looking at strangers. Haha. It's almost impossible to know what babies or small kids will look like when their way older, but once they hit their mid teens, I can see them as old people and it kind of makes my day sometimes.

Mexican Water

MAN I feel like a real life writer. Its 10:30 pm. I laid around ALL day avoiding homework at all costs. Now I have a cup of possibly the strongest tea I've ever made steaming right in front of me and my hair is tied back in a very careless looking ponytail/bun. I'm surrounded by papers, listening to soft sounding indie music and writing this, between sips of my delicious tea.

And that was also my attempt at writing in a very "I'm getting my university education so one day I can live in a shoebox in New York and write for the Times and be successful yet miserable at the same time because the only wild-life I will see for the next 3 years is pigeons and when I look up at the sky at night, all I see is smog" tone. Ha - good thing this blog is about the only writing I will ever publish (if that's what you wanna call it).

Anyway, I have a pile of homework to do that I just couldn't do today.. It was amazingly nice outside today (made me wish I was back in my home town so I could go to the cabin), Me and Jen went to a second hand clothes store (we walked so it would take up more time) and I bought two pairs of jeans. And the only reason I'm staying up is because I'm terrified right now of something completely out of my control. I figured I would come on here to vent about it but I'm now just deciding against it. Ha, sorry folks.

Anyway, this is completely off topic but when I'm meeting people there's always a few things that just flat out impress me and give me mad respect for the person I'm meeting.
1. Their handshake - You gotta have a firm grip people! Hanging onto a limp hand is like hanging on to a  balloon that has lost almost all its air and just looks all wrinkly and sad OR like gripping a piece of cold ham - it almost makes me recoil and kind of want to never touch that person again. But on the other hand I'm always slightly afraid to shake hands with a beefy older guy with a loud laugh because they almost always make me think I'm going to permanently lose circulation in my fingers.
2. If they can smile - a nice smile (and someone who knows HOW to smile) always scores highly in my books.
3. After you get talking for a bit and you find out that they have never done drugs - I respect these people the most I think.

Anyways those are my thoughts for tonight. Wish me luck in my fears and such tonight.

Campus on a Sunny Day

ANOTHER PEOPLE WATCHING BLOG YAY!

This time I’m lying on my stomach in the bowl. There’s a group of three people (2 girls, 1 guy) playing Frisbee just across the sidewalk from

Me.. They’re pretty good for the most part. Although it’s not really that warm out and Girl 1 is wearing short shorts. There’s a girl sitting on the ground beside them who is obviously trying to read her textbook but keeps getting distracted by them. She keeps looking up at the guy. He’s wearing Ray bands so he must be cool. There really isn’t anyone else watching them besides me and the odd person who walks across the sidewalk

There’s a group of people behind me. If I tilt my screen I can kind of see them They’re talking about a new show that’s “FUCKING WILD!!!” .. Wow moving through topics quick. Now on to Halloween costumes and plans for this weekend. OMG NO! I us tilted my screen a little further and saw that one of them is Bryan. Yikes. Hope he doesn’t recognize me. Lol. He’s been planning to ask out Jenna for the past year.

I am currently surrounded by wasps. Seriously everyone’s complaining that the wasp population is declining sharply, but I actually think it’s growing. One fell into my IceCap about fifteen minutes ago, it looked dead so I picked it out and set it in the grass beside me. Apparently little waspy wasn’t dead and its quite alive (and sticky!). He crawled onto my philosophy textbook and started cleaning himself up. I saved him! I feel like such a saint now.

HOLY HIPSTER. There’s two overly hipster boys who just came and sat down practically beside me. One is wearing a fedora. One is wearing skinny jeans and grandpa shoes. They’re both wearing jelly bands. Fedora guy is wearing a shirt that looks like it’s made out of lint. Like the lint you take out of your dryer you know? That shakes out in sheets? It looks like that. That fuzzy blue colour too... I wonder if that’s the look he’s going for.

There’s a guy walking across the bowl wearing a red tie. It looks really surprisingly good. Wonder what kind of a guy he is..

There are 18 little clumps of people scattered throughout the bowl... Could be more because I can’t see theh ones behind me and I don’t wanna look in fear of being recognized by Bryan. Anyway, all but 6 groups are on my side of the sidewalk which oddly enough is the smaller side and more dead grassy lookin side. Theres a handful of yellow butterflies floating just above the Hipster Boys. They don;t seem to notice. But they did notice me looking in their direction! Agh, facepalm. Now I cant stop catching fedora guy’s eye. Im just not gonna look that way anymore.

It looks like theres a guy carrying a bundled up baby on the far side of the bowl, but as he gets closer I can see that hes just holding a textbook in a really awkward way.. h

Death

Have you ever thought about how you're going to die?

It seems so impossible right now, kind of feels like I'm going to live forever. But I know that's not the case and it seems so strange. But I got thinking about it the other day and I have this feeling that I'm going to die in child birth. Don't ask me how I came up with this conclusion but I just have this gut feeling. I guess I'll wait and see how it all pans out. Maybe I'll die before that in a car accident. For some reason, whenever I'm in a near death situation in a vehicle (and there's been a few times), everything slows down and I feel totally calm, almost blissful. It's creepy to think about now but yes, that's actually what happens. I sit there and watch the events pan out with this calm in me that I can only experience in that moment, and I stare with this ridiculous slight smile on my face. And I never actually weigh the consequences of what could happen, I just always feel like if I hit the ditch or if I get T-boned it will just feel like getting squished between two big pillows and I will be just fine. If I live through a car accident and child birth, maybe I'll die of a freak accident like having a tree fall on me or getting struck by lightening. I wonder if I'll be killed on purpose. Or maybe (more optimistically), I'll die of old age in my own bed, surrounded by my family and closest friends. That would be the way to go I think. It's pretty cliche and by no means heroic, but when people are taken before their time it just makes it harder for everyone that was involved in their life to cope with it. But if I could hope one thing for my death, it would be that me and my sister die at the same time, after my parents and brother die. That way they wouldn't have to deal with losing both of us at the same time and we wouldn't have to deal with losing each other, we could just go together.

Hmm this had been kind of a depressing post but it's what's been on my mind lately. Haha, maybe when I actually do die then they`ll come back to this and be all like
`WHOAH she was dead on!`
(pun intended)

Or maybe I`ll be completely wrong, lets hope so. I kind of want to be there to watch my kids grow up haha

HAI

HEY

Second day back at school Today.. Just finished up with all my classes/ volunteer hours for the day and now I’m headed to the beer gardens in the bowl to listen to the weird music that only University students can seem to understand and appreciate (I, for one, do neither haha its just too weird).

OK .. so I’m back from the beer gardens.. feeling pretty good. It was 33 degreed today (hotter than it was all summer!) so those $5 beers hit me pretty hard. I’m sitting at the bus stop now, waiting for Jen and then next bus that goes through my area of town. I thought I would do another people watching blog to start off the new school year but it’s getting harder and harder since I now know a lot of the people walking by. Take, for example, Nathan. I only know him from Drama 118 last year (loved that class!) but from what I can see, he really has no conscience when it comes to breaking girls hearts. AKA – Playa! Haha so I just saw him.. I don’t know if he remembers me but oh well. I literally just walked past him (didn’t say hi or anything) and then walked through a pair of two guys just moments later and they were talking about him! Hahahaha “Nathan should really shave that greasy mustache. Its discusting.” LOL and they’re not the only ones that aren’t a huge fan of him.. There was also a random girl in the beer gardens yesterday who thought he was a huge tool. I’m just kind of happy I’m not the only one who can see him for what he really is : womanizer!!! Haha

Anyways I guess I’m leaving now so I’ll have to do this people watching later. Jenna’s finally back so I’ll ttyl blog!