Relationship Rant

I have an exam tommorow that I should be studying for. And a geography assignment due for Tuesday.. But my brain just shut down not too long ago.

Ok, so life lately has been extremely roller coaster-y. Mainly because there's a crap load of problems with my love life and everything's screwed up and I can't get my mind off it! I just feel heavy, you know? It's like feeling sick, without the illness, but I want to take some kind of drug or pill that will make me feel better, or try puking because that usually works if you ate something funky, but the only thing that really helps is occupying myself with other stuff. I want to go swimming or play piano or explore campus or hang out with a group of buddies, but at the same time I feel like I have no energy for that stuff. But more than that, I have no one to do it with. I don't know how I feel anymore, I think I'm all good, but then I see him with another girl, or I spend time with him and everything is right back where it was a month ago. I kinda wish he wouldn't have came back in the first place because I was getting back to happy and starting to know what direction my life was going in again, and now that's all up in the air once more. I don't know if I should start seeing other people, or if we're still together? I want to talk it out, but every time I try, something gets in the way. I want to make this decision for myself, but everyone keeps telling me what to do (which means I'm just gonna push against whatever they tell me.. because that's a habit that still hasn't really worn off since my rebellious teenage years haha). So I don't know who I'm making this decision for anymore, myself, my friends/fam or the little rebel inside me that has no idea what's going on but just wants to be independent. I'm totally frustrated right now and I can feel it taking away from my academic and social life. I can't have a conversation with my parents without them bringing him up and asking me what's going on.. and it just reminds me that I have no clue. I used to always look at other peoples situations and think they were so easy, but it's so much harder being on this side of the story. I wish I could read minds and figure out what the hell is going on. That's all I care about at this point, whatever the outcome is, at least I won't feel so confused by it all anymore.