Say Goodbye to Love and Hold Your Head Up High

JORY! WTF HAPPENED TO YOU!?

Asked the millions of people who tune into this blog daily and have been eagerly awaiting a new post for over a month now.

)(

^That's the symbol for sarcasm that I invented. I frequently use it in texts when I say something offensive. That way, no one can misread or get mad. Because that's a huge problem in life these days. I feel like texting has made me socially awkward. Well not so much socially, but phonely (word?). Let me explain.

Since moving home for the summer, I have noticed that my mother is on the phone with her friends and relatives a LOT. She probably spends a solid 1-2 hours on that thing every day! And when something really interesting happens, she sometimes even commits 3-4 hours. THAT'S SO MUCH TIME! She even fearlessly leaves messages on peoples voice mails. Even the awkward ones where she has to ask her boss for her paycheck, or has to ask if she can borrow someones precious crystal salad bowl. And I sit there and just admire her for it. I guess you could call me a coward or a wimp or whatever, but I absolutely loathe talking on the phone. Not sure what it is about it, but I just tense up a lot before I have to make a phone call. All these ridiculous thoughts pass through my head like "What if I'm calling them when their in the middle of a funeral or something?" or "They won't want to talk to me..." or "What if I say something really awkward and they don't know how to respond, what if it's the other way around and its ME that doesn't know how to respond?" or my absolute favorite "I'm for sure going to just run out of things to say as soon as I start talking"

)( about that being my favorite.

But honestly, I would much rather just send a quick text and gather the information I need that way. Or have a full conversation over facebook. Is there something wrong with me?

I used to be super smooth with all my social encounters and lately I just feel choppy and awkward. Maybe that's because I'm rusty. I honestly think I can blame this one on what I started this whole blog off with: Moving home for the summer.

Don't get me wrong, I love home. But it takes a toll on my abilities as a social butterfly. Mostly because I am two slightly different people. I am University Jory in the city and Highschool Jory in my small town. The experiences & people in both of my homes are completely different, making it hard to adjust and fall into who I am as a person. I grow so much when I'm away, but then I come back and feel like I have to revert to who I was when I graduated highschool again. And not that I'm not happy with either of those characters, it's just hard to find the happy middle grounds. And it makes me awkward when I'm trying to place myself in a group of people and can't decide which version of Jory would fit best. And then I lose sight of Uni Jory all together and can't remember what it was like to be her.

As always, the cure for social weirdness like this is to force yourself into social situations. And that is when I feel most like myself and I stop caring which Jory I am, and just start realizing that no one can really tell whats going on inside my head with myself. And that's when I'm happy. I used to love deep thinking like this, but now I fear its eating me aliiiiive! Haha anyways.
ttfn.

Single

So yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. I guess I should start calling him my ex boyfriend now..

It was a big process, he had a lot of questions. I wasn't really prepared to do it yesterday, I wasn't going to do it at all, but the more we talked about it, the more I realized it was probably for the best. This was my fourth attempt at a long distance relationship over the summer. I feel so bad, we both put so much effort into it. I think he put in more than I did, just such an awesome guy. I've never been able to just be myself around someone so quickly and so easily. But the distance was killer. We started our relationship on my very last day at university in the city, and then I moved 2.5 hours away. So we went from being completely single, to spending every moment for 72 hours together every weekend. It was a little much at times, and by the end of the weekends, I was feeling a little smothered. But because of the fact that we only had time for eachother every once and a while, I overlooked that feeling for a long time. It started wearing on us. Anyways, long story short, we spent 7 hours locked in my room yesterday, trying to work it out. Ended up breaking up. I'm sad and what not, but I'm also almost relieved. Somehow we managed to end on a really good note, and committed to still being civil to each other until we can be friends again. We're even gonna try going to the concert I got him tickets for for his bday, its three months away, so we should be cool by then.

I can't help but feel mad at myself for letting another terrific guy with tons of potential go. I have to use two hands to count how many times that's happened. I know I'm picky, everything has to be right for the first 6 months or I just give up. That is why I'm trying this new "no strings attatched" plan for the rest of summer. Since the probability of me finding someone who will live relatively close to Saskatoon when I get back there in the fall is teeny tiny when I'm spending my entire summer in the middle of nowhere, I'm just gonna live the single life and not try to drag someone else into it. That way, I won't be breaking anymore hearts or putting myself through all this guilt and sadness. I figure if I publicly proclaim this to the world, I might actually stick to it. And by publicly, I mean on my secret blog that no one really knows about haha.

Blah. I hate breakups.

I am 20.5 years old. And today I smoked my very first cigarette.

Heya Folks!

So this is a bit of a more serious post. Here goes..

My mom has smoked for as long as I can remember and even before then. She started at a party when a cool guy offered her a cigarette. Like most people. Anyways, she quit when she was pregnant both times and then started up after her last kid (aka my bro) was born. Her and my dad smoked like chimenys for years and years, up to a pack a day (or more). As me and my siblings grew up, we started catching on that smoking was very bad for someone, especially in the huge doses that my parents were sucking it in. And although I didn't really care at the time, I also noted that it was bad for me as a young person. Anyway, for our 10th birthday, instead of asking for physical items or a big party and whatnot, me and my sister just asked our parents to quit smoking. They of course were taken aback by these two little sweet twins who gave up presents for healthier parents. I'm not sure if sweet is the right word considering we were well into our EVERLASTING awkward ugly stage at that time, but to my parents, we were just as precious as we were back in the days of our chubby legs and golden mushroom cuts. TO THE POINT!

They both complied of course, and it took some time. Dad cut his smoke stack IN HALF in the first few months and was able to fully quit after 1 year. Mom, on the other hand, didn't take the wager seriously and stopped cold turkey for a grand total of 2 days (I'm paraphrasing here as I don't remember the exact length, but I know it wasn't long).

Every year after our 10th birthday, we would beg Mom to give it up. And every year we were disappointed by her lack of commitment to the promises she renewed EVERY YEAR.

We started taking matters into our own hands. Any time we would find a piece of smoking memorabilia, a lighter, a box of cigs, matchbooks, one time we even found a CASE, we would find some way to sabotage it. At first we would just take the smokes and hide them. Then mom would get mad enough at us that we would have to show her all our hiding spots. As we got older, our meddling progressed as we rebelled against our own mothers rules about giving up the smokes we took. We flat out destroyed those cancer sticks. Sometimes we would break them up, once we froze them in a big icecube, we took her lighters (I still have a collection hidden away that she has yet to find), we would find her packs and replace the cigarettes with dogfood, "fake" cigarettes (rolled up paper), nasty hand written notes, ect. We went full out dropping other hints too. One time I came home from soccer practice to find that my brother had plastered the entire interior of the house in post its that he had written anti-smoking messages on. Mom still has one of them hanging on her bedroom mirror.

Things were taken to the next level when we got a little older still. We continued confiscating all smokes we found around the house, and flat out ripping a smoke out of her hand if we caught her. But we upped the anti to an actual price. We bargained that every time we caught her smoking, we could take a quarter out of her spare change jar on top of the dresser in her bedroom. Sadly, I think I made as much money that way as I did babysitting for some people.

Jenna took it upon herself to pull out the water works when neccessary. I remember a couple handfuls of times after Jenna would catch mom with a cig to her lips and would start crying and begging her to quit. I took a harsher approach and was always the one to yell at her if I found out. I got so fed up that more than once I just completely unloaded on her and would walk away from a fight feeling good.

Time went on and, though she had slowed down quite a bit, she still hadn't quit.

Finally the day came when I was in grade 12, that Jenna marched up to mom while she was smoking, took the cigarette from her hand, and instead of squishing it right there, she smoked the rest of it in front of mom. This of course crushed my mom. It only too 2 months of doing that for mom to quit completely. And all was well.

Was.

She had cut herself off for almost a full 2 years. Unfortunately, when I got home from uni this year, all the warning signs that I had trained myself so keenly on before were back. Washing her hands and brushing her teeth when she came home from work, the windows of her car slightly rolled down so the car could air out, the faint smell of smoke on the back deck, it was all back. I actually confronted my mom about the car windows once, and then Jenna came out of no where and started defending mom and telling me not to insult her. And mom just let her do that! Later on when I found out the truth I was pretty discusted in her for that.

Now we're back to square one.  I was never the one to smoke moms cigarettes in front of her, see I had this thing that I wanted to go my whole life and be able to say that I never smoked anything. That all changed today. I caught mom just after she had lit it. I smoked the whole thing myself. It was awful, felt like I was coating the inside of my lungs with smelly grease that just egged on a coughing fit everytime I breathed. It's hours later now and I can still feel it, thick like mud in my airways. I looked at my mother in the middle of hacking up a lung, she was tearing up. I asked her how she felt, being on the other end of the stick. And she said that she just wanted to cry. And cry she did. Not really, but all the emotion was there (it takes a shit ton to make mom shed an actual tear).

I'm not sure why she started again. But I have a plan this time. I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes and let her catch me smoking them. Make it seem like I've gotten into it. Then maybe she might reconsider it? I don't know. I remember when I used to think that packing a pack of cigs with dogfood was somewhat crossing a line that didn't need to be crossed. So naive to think that back then.

I want my mom to be around for my uni graduation, for when I get married and buy my own house. I want her to meet her grandkids and watch them grown up. And smoking is just gonna take away some or all of that. And she doesn't seem to get it through her brain that its deadly. It's just a pointless poison going straight into one of the most fragile organs of the body. And she has a solid 30 years of inhaling that shit behind her. I don't want her to be one of those old ladies that has a smokers cough and who can't hardly walk around town without wheezing. That's my rant.

Naked Blogging (Part II)

This blog will be in Old-Jory style where I practically just say anything and everything that pops into my head. And this is all I'm gonna have for an intro.

I'm sitting in my room, my old room at my parents house. Just moved my mattress in the night before last. And it feels great. One of the sweetest feelings in the world is moving from an uncomfortable single mattress on the floor (which I just spent 4 nights on and all of chirstmas break on), and then into a big, kushy (lol) bed with clean sheets. Just want to snuggle down and stay here forever, especially since this house is kept at a MAX of 17 degrees celcius at all times :/ 

Do you believe in Karma? I don't really... but I still believe in being civil to everyone. That WILL get you places. But on the other hand, if you do it right, so will being hostile to everyone. :/ 

AHHHH just got a huuuuuuuge craving for some KD! How is it that I went a whole year of living on my own, with my own kitchen, and no parents to cook for me, and only ended up eating like 10 boxes of kraft dinner? I'm not complaining, because I never want to get sick of that cheesey gold. 

My nose ring fell out yesterday. :( my last good one. so now I'm just wearing this plastic plug to keep the hole open. It looks kindof like a pimple. Gonna have to figure out a way to get a new one with a jewel in it before arlees grad tomorrow.. 

I found this fishbowl in my closet that I used in first year to keep a fish. I think I'm gonna get it going again. I miss having little fishies around.

Guess how many disco balls are hanging in my room? No, just guess! Have your number? If you guessed five your right! .... its disco ball overkill in here. 

Along with many other prizes I found in my room, I also found this little box of old text messages or msn conversations. They are very VERY dramatic. Haha I just want to slap myself upside the head for putting so much meaning behind every word. Although there is an old one from an ex from after we had ended, and he offered to set me up with a job if I moved to Calgary. And also offered up a spot in his own house if I wanted to move out there. ..... I guess I can see where I would take that one and thought its a bigger deal than it was.

Gotta go.. Ho.

Birthday Suit Blog

What up blog readers! (Michael)

Its a beautiful Saturday morning today, and I'mm a try this out; Naked Blogging!
With my windows wide open and the sun shining in! .. I'm just assuming that no one outside can see through the glare off the pane... And that Jenna's not gonna walk into my room unnanounced. Keeping my fingers crossed haha

So what can I tell you? Well its almost summer! I have one lab report and 6 stats assignments to complete by Monday and then I'm home freeeee! Until April 10th. Because then my finals start :(

Overall second year has been eventful! Went through my first bought of heartbreak, recovered (with some help from good friends) quite easily compared to what I was expecting, somehow got the captain of the university volleyball team interested in me, learned two new chords on guitar (my progress is OUTSTANDING har har), had a good cry session in front of my volunteer program bosses when my friend was rushed to emergency, wrote a book review on a book I didn't read (got a 72! hahaha), figured out that I will probably never stop biting my nails, haven't bought new clothes for a whole year! (too poor :/), chickened out on going to Costa Rica to save baby sea turtles, played beer darts in February, volunteered at BioScan and explained the caterpillar-cucoon-butterfly cycle to about 400 people in a matter of hours, got shingles all over my face (ug.. maybe I'll attatch a picture. haha),  experienced depression for the second time in my life while fighting off the said shingles (seriously I cried for about 5 hours every day for 5 days), changed my mind several times on what direction to take with my academic life (went from bio major, to psychologist, to bio major, to psychologist... currently I'm sitting on English major with education later on down the road), got ridiculously excited when I found out my best friend decided to transfer to my school for next year :), had a 3 for 25 Roll up the Rim run (what a rip), became camera man for a short series of videos that involved Bryna snowboarding around the block ... towed behind her car haha, and had a pretty good time in general.

I'm writing songs now, channeling all the happiness that comes with spring time into music. Pretty stoked too!

I'll Fall Victim again.. I just know it.

Lesson of the Day: NEVER GO GROCERY SHOPPING WHILE HUNGRY!!!

You end up buying all this stupid shit.

Prime example #1:
Campbells Chunky Soups
When you're hungry, these things look like a friggen dream. I decided to pick up a can of "Chicken a la King" or some shit like that for supper that night I went shopping. It says it was made out of only the best veggies and lean chicken, but I sampled some and came up with my own ingredient list:
Shit Carrots

Crap Potatoes
Vomit Peas
and "Are You Sure This is Chicken?" Chicken
aka Shit Chicken
All of these ingredients mixed with what seems like a gallon of cream and ... hmm was that pepper I tasted? I'm not really sure because it was so friggen bland. Anyway, heated it up, ate a spoonful thinking that it would taste as delicious as it looked on the can... washed spoon, and dumped that shit down the toilet where it belongs!

I can't think of a prime example #2.. Sometimes these adventures turn out even better than planned. Like my spurr of the moment decision to pick up some apple pears. AHH I could live off those things. And pistachio pudding. That was also a good decision amongst the bad.

That's all I have to say about that.

Things

Here is a few things about me

I love cooking. LOVE it. If I had thought of it when I was in highschool, I probably would have went straight into culinary school and become a chef. I only use onions as a background flavour, and my favorite spice is dill.

I like running barefoot through fresh snow. As long as there is hot chocolate and a pair of warm socks waiting for me when I get back inside.

I don't fancy artificial cherry flavours.

I went through a really weird music stage when I was 16. I basically only did it to be "different". I still have a few Zebrahead songs on my ipod that I'm not overly proud of...

Turtles are my favorite animals. Otters run a close second. Sloths are dead last. (Although all these videos of baby sloth bathtimes that are circulating facebook are making it hard to despise them so much)

I still have every one of my ex boyfriends on facebook, and I've managed to maintain friendships with each of them. Somehow. 

I bite my nails.

I roll my eyes at least 10 times a day. 10/10 times it's at facebook status's.

O blood types represent! Haha...

For ONE day it would be so badass to see what life is like as a boy. 

I've wanted to dye my hair red since grade ten, but always chicken out last minute.

I think I crave grapes all day every day. 

Me and nature get along. I'm a hippy at heart. 

I'm starting to notice a reoccuring pattern that the past three feb breaks that I've had have involved the weakening of my immune system enough to get me really ill. 2010- Pneumonia, 2011- Flu, 2012- Shingles (which is normally only found in people OVER SIXTY!) Thanks for nothing immune system.

One day when I was 15 and my brother was 13, he went on a shopping trip with my Grandma one day. He came home with only one thing that he had spent all of his money on. It was a really hideous tiger teddy bear that he had bought for not reason at all, other than to give to me. It is one of the few stuffed animals I still have from my childhood.

I don't like taking petty meds. And by that I mean like sinus pills or pain pills.. I just don't. I don't like the feeling of having to rely on something to get better

And I guess you could also say that I have a real problem when it comes to asking for help. This isn't true for most things like reaching the top shelf at the supermarket, or picking what to wear to a big event or whatever. Just a problem with things I am or used to be proud of ... like school or being in shape or being really organized (YES believe it or not, I used to be quite a tidy kid which brings me to my next point...)

I make complete days out of organizing stuff. I love the feeling of turning a messy, dirty house into a clean and functional home! .. Again confirming that I truly am a woman. 

I like grape freezies.

I don't see whats so bad about brussel sprouts.

And I used to be super sentimental. I still have a ball of really old string from co-op camp in grade 8. grade 8!! I didnt even LIKE co-op camp!! haha