I am 20.5 years old. And today I smoked my very first cigarette.

Heya Folks!

So this is a bit of a more serious post. Here goes..

My mom has smoked for as long as I can remember and even before then. She started at a party when a cool guy offered her a cigarette. Like most people. Anyways, she quit when she was pregnant both times and then started up after her last kid (aka my bro) was born. Her and my dad smoked like chimenys for years and years, up to a pack a day (or more). As me and my siblings grew up, we started catching on that smoking was very bad for someone, especially in the huge doses that my parents were sucking it in. And although I didn't really care at the time, I also noted that it was bad for me as a young person. Anyway, for our 10th birthday, instead of asking for physical items or a big party and whatnot, me and my sister just asked our parents to quit smoking. They of course were taken aback by these two little sweet twins who gave up presents for healthier parents. I'm not sure if sweet is the right word considering we were well into our EVERLASTING awkward ugly stage at that time, but to my parents, we were just as precious as we were back in the days of our chubby legs and golden mushroom cuts. TO THE POINT!

They both complied of course, and it took some time. Dad cut his smoke stack IN HALF in the first few months and was able to fully quit after 1 year. Mom, on the other hand, didn't take the wager seriously and stopped cold turkey for a grand total of 2 days (I'm paraphrasing here as I don't remember the exact length, but I know it wasn't long).

Every year after our 10th birthday, we would beg Mom to give it up. And every year we were disappointed by her lack of commitment to the promises she renewed EVERY YEAR.

We started taking matters into our own hands. Any time we would find a piece of smoking memorabilia, a lighter, a box of cigs, matchbooks, one time we even found a CASE, we would find some way to sabotage it. At first we would just take the smokes and hide them. Then mom would get mad enough at us that we would have to show her all our hiding spots. As we got older, our meddling progressed as we rebelled against our own mothers rules about giving up the smokes we took. We flat out destroyed those cancer sticks. Sometimes we would break them up, once we froze them in a big icecube, we took her lighters (I still have a collection hidden away that she has yet to find), we would find her packs and replace the cigarettes with dogfood, "fake" cigarettes (rolled up paper), nasty hand written notes, ect. We went full out dropping other hints too. One time I came home from soccer practice to find that my brother had plastered the entire interior of the house in post its that he had written anti-smoking messages on. Mom still has one of them hanging on her bedroom mirror.

Things were taken to the next level when we got a little older still. We continued confiscating all smokes we found around the house, and flat out ripping a smoke out of her hand if we caught her. But we upped the anti to an actual price. We bargained that every time we caught her smoking, we could take a quarter out of her spare change jar on top of the dresser in her bedroom. Sadly, I think I made as much money that way as I did babysitting for some people.

Jenna took it upon herself to pull out the water works when neccessary. I remember a couple handfuls of times after Jenna would catch mom with a cig to her lips and would start crying and begging her to quit. I took a harsher approach and was always the one to yell at her if I found out. I got so fed up that more than once I just completely unloaded on her and would walk away from a fight feeling good.

Time went on and, though she had slowed down quite a bit, she still hadn't quit.

Finally the day came when I was in grade 12, that Jenna marched up to mom while she was smoking, took the cigarette from her hand, and instead of squishing it right there, she smoked the rest of it in front of mom. This of course crushed my mom. It only too 2 months of doing that for mom to quit completely. And all was well.

Was.

She had cut herself off for almost a full 2 years. Unfortunately, when I got home from uni this year, all the warning signs that I had trained myself so keenly on before were back. Washing her hands and brushing her teeth when she came home from work, the windows of her car slightly rolled down so the car could air out, the faint smell of smoke on the back deck, it was all back. I actually confronted my mom about the car windows once, and then Jenna came out of no where and started defending mom and telling me not to insult her. And mom just let her do that! Later on when I found out the truth I was pretty discusted in her for that.

Now we're back to square one.  I was never the one to smoke moms cigarettes in front of her, see I had this thing that I wanted to go my whole life and be able to say that I never smoked anything. That all changed today. I caught mom just after she had lit it. I smoked the whole thing myself. It was awful, felt like I was coating the inside of my lungs with smelly grease that just egged on a coughing fit everytime I breathed. It's hours later now and I can still feel it, thick like mud in my airways. I looked at my mother in the middle of hacking up a lung, she was tearing up. I asked her how she felt, being on the other end of the stick. And she said that she just wanted to cry. And cry she did. Not really, but all the emotion was there (it takes a shit ton to make mom shed an actual tear).

I'm not sure why she started again. But I have a plan this time. I'm going to buy a pack of cigarettes and let her catch me smoking them. Make it seem like I've gotten into it. Then maybe she might reconsider it? I don't know. I remember when I used to think that packing a pack of cigs with dogfood was somewhat crossing a line that didn't need to be crossed. So naive to think that back then.

I want my mom to be around for my uni graduation, for when I get married and buy my own house. I want her to meet her grandkids and watch them grown up. And smoking is just gonna take away some or all of that. And she doesn't seem to get it through her brain that its deadly. It's just a pointless poison going straight into one of the most fragile organs of the body. And she has a solid 30 years of inhaling that shit behind her. I don't want her to be one of those old ladies that has a smokers cough and who can't hardly walk around town without wheezing. That's my rant.

Naked Blogging (Part II)

This blog will be in Old-Jory style where I practically just say anything and everything that pops into my head. And this is all I'm gonna have for an intro.

I'm sitting in my room, my old room at my parents house. Just moved my mattress in the night before last. And it feels great. One of the sweetest feelings in the world is moving from an uncomfortable single mattress on the floor (which I just spent 4 nights on and all of chirstmas break on), and then into a big, kushy (lol) bed with clean sheets. Just want to snuggle down and stay here forever, especially since this house is kept at a MAX of 17 degrees celcius at all times :/ 

Do you believe in Karma? I don't really... but I still believe in being civil to everyone. That WILL get you places. But on the other hand, if you do it right, so will being hostile to everyone. :/ 

AHHHH just got a huuuuuuuge craving for some KD! How is it that I went a whole year of living on my own, with my own kitchen, and no parents to cook for me, and only ended up eating like 10 boxes of kraft dinner? I'm not complaining, because I never want to get sick of that cheesey gold. 

My nose ring fell out yesterday. :( my last good one. so now I'm just wearing this plastic plug to keep the hole open. It looks kindof like a pimple. Gonna have to figure out a way to get a new one with a jewel in it before arlees grad tomorrow.. 

I found this fishbowl in my closet that I used in first year to keep a fish. I think I'm gonna get it going again. I miss having little fishies around.

Guess how many disco balls are hanging in my room? No, just guess! Have your number? If you guessed five your right! .... its disco ball overkill in here. 

Along with many other prizes I found in my room, I also found this little box of old text messages or msn conversations. They are very VERY dramatic. Haha I just want to slap myself upside the head for putting so much meaning behind every word. Although there is an old one from an ex from after we had ended, and he offered to set me up with a job if I moved to Calgary. And also offered up a spot in his own house if I wanted to move out there. ..... I guess I can see where I would take that one and thought its a bigger deal than it was.

Gotta go.. Ho.

Birthday Suit Blog

What up blog readers! (Michael)

Its a beautiful Saturday morning today, and I'mm a try this out; Naked Blogging!
With my windows wide open and the sun shining in! .. I'm just assuming that no one outside can see through the glare off the pane... And that Jenna's not gonna walk into my room unnanounced. Keeping my fingers crossed haha

So what can I tell you? Well its almost summer! I have one lab report and 6 stats assignments to complete by Monday and then I'm home freeeee! Until April 10th. Because then my finals start :(

Overall second year has been eventful! Went through my first bought of heartbreak, recovered (with some help from good friends) quite easily compared to what I was expecting, somehow got the captain of the university volleyball team interested in me, learned two new chords on guitar (my progress is OUTSTANDING har har), had a good cry session in front of my volunteer program bosses when my friend was rushed to emergency, wrote a book review on a book I didn't read (got a 72! hahaha), figured out that I will probably never stop biting my nails, haven't bought new clothes for a whole year! (too poor :/), chickened out on going to Costa Rica to save baby sea turtles, played beer darts in February, volunteered at BioScan and explained the caterpillar-cucoon-butterfly cycle to about 400 people in a matter of hours, got shingles all over my face (ug.. maybe I'll attatch a picture. haha),  experienced depression for the second time in my life while fighting off the said shingles (seriously I cried for about 5 hours every day for 5 days), changed my mind several times on what direction to take with my academic life (went from bio major, to psychologist, to bio major, to psychologist... currently I'm sitting on English major with education later on down the road), got ridiculously excited when I found out my best friend decided to transfer to my school for next year :), had a 3 for 25 Roll up the Rim run (what a rip), became camera man for a short series of videos that involved Bryna snowboarding around the block ... towed behind her car haha, and had a pretty good time in general.

I'm writing songs now, channeling all the happiness that comes with spring time into music. Pretty stoked too!

I'll Fall Victim again.. I just know it.

Lesson of the Day: NEVER GO GROCERY SHOPPING WHILE HUNGRY!!!

You end up buying all this stupid shit.

Prime example #1:
Campbells Chunky Soups
When you're hungry, these things look like a friggen dream. I decided to pick up a can of "Chicken a la King" or some shit like that for supper that night I went shopping. It says it was made out of only the best veggies and lean chicken, but I sampled some and came up with my own ingredient list:
Shit Carrots

Crap Potatoes
Vomit Peas
and "Are You Sure This is Chicken?" Chicken
aka Shit Chicken
All of these ingredients mixed with what seems like a gallon of cream and ... hmm was that pepper I tasted? I'm not really sure because it was so friggen bland. Anyway, heated it up, ate a spoonful thinking that it would taste as delicious as it looked on the can... washed spoon, and dumped that shit down the toilet where it belongs!

I can't think of a prime example #2.. Sometimes these adventures turn out even better than planned. Like my spurr of the moment decision to pick up some apple pears. AHH I could live off those things. And pistachio pudding. That was also a good decision amongst the bad.

That's all I have to say about that.

Things

Here is a few things about me

I love cooking. LOVE it. If I had thought of it when I was in highschool, I probably would have went straight into culinary school and become a chef. I only use onions as a background flavour, and my favorite spice is dill.

I like running barefoot through fresh snow. As long as there is hot chocolate and a pair of warm socks waiting for me when I get back inside.

I don't fancy artificial cherry flavours.

I went through a really weird music stage when I was 16. I basically only did it to be "different". I still have a few Zebrahead songs on my ipod that I'm not overly proud of...

Turtles are my favorite animals. Otters run a close second. Sloths are dead last. (Although all these videos of baby sloth bathtimes that are circulating facebook are making it hard to despise them so much)

I still have every one of my ex boyfriends on facebook, and I've managed to maintain friendships with each of them. Somehow. 

I bite my nails.

I roll my eyes at least 10 times a day. 10/10 times it's at facebook status's.

O blood types represent! Haha...

For ONE day it would be so badass to see what life is like as a boy. 

I've wanted to dye my hair red since grade ten, but always chicken out last minute.

I think I crave grapes all day every day. 

Me and nature get along. I'm a hippy at heart. 

I'm starting to notice a reoccuring pattern that the past three feb breaks that I've had have involved the weakening of my immune system enough to get me really ill. 2010- Pneumonia, 2011- Flu, 2012- Shingles (which is normally only found in people OVER SIXTY!) Thanks for nothing immune system.

One day when I was 15 and my brother was 13, he went on a shopping trip with my Grandma one day. He came home with only one thing that he had spent all of his money on. It was a really hideous tiger teddy bear that he had bought for not reason at all, other than to give to me. It is one of the few stuffed animals I still have from my childhood.

I don't like taking petty meds. And by that I mean like sinus pills or pain pills.. I just don't. I don't like the feeling of having to rely on something to get better

And I guess you could also say that I have a real problem when it comes to asking for help. This isn't true for most things like reaching the top shelf at the supermarket, or picking what to wear to a big event or whatever. Just a problem with things I am or used to be proud of ... like school or being in shape or being really organized (YES believe it or not, I used to be quite a tidy kid which brings me to my next point...)

I make complete days out of organizing stuff. I love the feeling of turning a messy, dirty house into a clean and functional home! .. Again confirming that I truly am a woman. 

I like grape freezies.

I don't see whats so bad about brussel sprouts.

And I used to be super sentimental. I still have a ball of really old string from co-op camp in grade 8. grade 8!! I didnt even LIKE co-op camp!! haha

Dear Grandparents

Ok, for those of you who don't know, my Dad was the youngest of SEVEN and my Mom was the oldest of THREE. This makes my situation as a grandchild very different on each side. On Dad's side, I am the third youngest of 17 (my siblings are the only ones your than me). And my next closest aged cousin is 25. And they range in age from 25 - 48. When I was born, my grandparents got YOUNGER because they already had three great grand sons. On my Mom's side, I'm the third oldest of 6. The age range of my cousins is 17-23.

So needless to say, my grandparents on my Dad's side were already pretty old when I came along. My Grampa passed away when I was 13 at the age of 94 and my Granny when I was 14 at the age of 88(?). This past October would have been Grampa's 100th birthday, which really got me thinking about them. I loved my grandparents, they lived just across town from me in a tiny house with a huge yard. Grampa gardened right up until his last couple of years. My dad made an effort to have us go to their place at least once a week. I'm not sure why I resisted so much. Probably because I had very little in common with them at that point in my life, or I was confused about my religion which I was ashamed of because my Grampa was a pastor. I look back now and have so many questions I would ask them now, I never really got to know them as well as I should have. I hear my aunties and uncles talking about them and I just feel this need to talk to them, but I can't. Sometimes I try, but I'm still not sure if they can hear me. I was there the night that Grampa died. He had been in the hospital for some kind of surgery. He was almost fully recovered when he fell one day, he landed on his hip. I'm not exactly sure what else happened from there, but all of a sudden he went from being a strong, healthy man to this fragile body that was in critical condition. We were told he was in his last hours, so we raced to the hospital. I'll never forget walking in the room, seeing my huge family crowded in his small room, its the only time I've seen my big strong uncles cry. Then I caught a glance of him laying there, he was still and I thought we were too late. I watched everyone go to him one by one and say goodbye, each time, his eyes fluttering a big when they hugged them. I, of course, was balling from the moment I walked in the room. I stayed enveloped in several arms until it was my turn. I didn't really know what to say, so I just told him I loved him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. His eyes fluttered for me, but he also grabbed my arm when I gave him a kiss, which I think was a feeble attempt at hugging me back. He mumbled something too, which I was grateful for - he had heard me. After he passed away, every family member who was still in the area took turns staying with Granny for the first couple of months. Jenna and I even took our turn. These sleepovers were probably some of my best memories of her, she would get up before we woke up and make us breakfast, wish us luck in school, be fascinated by all that we had to say and was very grateful for our company. She passed that summer.

My Granparents on my Mom's side are still around, they live in the same city that Jenna and I go to school in actually! Over the last two years, we've developed a really great relationship with both of them, and I would actually consider my Gramma to be one of my best friends. I'm trying to do the exact opposite of what I did with my other grandparents this time, and willingly see them 1/week. When my schedual gets too hectic, I give them a quick phone call to let them know I'm still thinking of them. I ask them whatever question I have about their lives, or their parents or siblings lives. It' ridiculously interesting to learn about your family's history. I'm also working on hooking my Gramma up with facebook so we can better keep in touch. Anyway, I tell them I love them as much as I can because I now see the value and importance of it. If you don't say what you really want to say, you might not get another chance.
Going for supper at Gram's on Wednesday this week! :)

Vivid Dreams

So I just had a really strange dream. It centered around me being a nude model and just kind of took off.

It starts with me and Jenna and Bryna all standing in our underwear in a really huge bathroom, trying to decide who gets which shelf in a cupboard there. There is well over 300 shelves, but we only get one shelf eachofor some reason. Anyway, I pick one and put all my undies in there, including the ones that I was wearing. Jenna and Bryna keep their clothes on. All of a sudden, this guy I met in res last year who was 29, and some big black guy that I don't know were in that bathroom. Jenna was really embarassed and threw her clothes on and slammed the cupboard shut. Anyway, then the guy from res came up to me and told me I was the cooler twin, and tried to kiss me. He was wearing red lipstick... :S Anyway I shoved him away but not before he put his red lipstick on my lips. I was horrified that me being naked was probably the cause of this. So I put a dress on.

Then all of a sudden I walked out and I was at this L.A. outdoor party. There was palm trees, and skyscrapers and glowing pools. I got really drunk and found a HUGE top hat. I wore it around, but there was alot of tables close together and I kept knocking things over. I don't remember drinking anything in the dream, but all of a sudden I was drunk. And I felt embarassed for myself for being so drunk and wrecking the tables. So I took off out of there, there was so much greenery all around the paths that connected the table part of the party, to the pool part, to the party part.. reminded me of a resort I was in in Panama. Anyway, I was feeling really drunk and I just wanted to find someone I knew, then I saw my friend Christian walking by, so I tried to run after him. I had just caught up with him when he told me I was too late, and disapeared.

So I felt rejected, just after feeling like the most desired nude model out there, and that was a huge drop I guess. I noticed these really skinny palm trees that grew as tall as the tallest sky scraper. Which happened to be right beside me. They were acutally tied to the sky scraper because they were so thin. If you touch the tips of your thumbs and pointer fingers together to make a circle, thats how thick they were all the way up. Anyway in my disapointment, I started climbing one of them. I climbed all the way to the top.. I didn't realize how high I had gotten until I was up there, and the top of the tower was only the size of a kitchen table. Then the tower started to wiggle, and the palm trees would just snap if I tried to grab them for support. I was losing balance fast. Just then, Bryna was walking by below, so I started yelling for her to get help. I just wanted to get down. She said she would call the fire department, but I said it was no use- I was going to fall before they even started their trucks! I got increasingly tipsy until, at the very last moment, I spotted a pool on the ground, I fell off the tower, aiming for the pool, and landed safely in the four feet of water. Haha. But my dress was soaked and fell off as soon as I got out. No one was around.

I went back to the party where I ran into some of my friends that I haven't seen since jr. high. They all turned into dream douchebags. I kept looking for Christian, but he was nowhere to be seen. Bryna had gone too. So I was walking along a path when a really rubby car pulled up, there was a girl in front of me who was heavier set (I think I saw her in real life on the bus this afternoon). A man got out of the car with a jug of liquid and a cloth. He dumped some on the cloth and asked the big girl not to smell it. He shoved it in her face, and she collapsed. Then he put her in the back of his car and started to drive away. I'm happy to report that Dream Jory did the right thing and chased him down, I opened up the back and he slammed on the breaks. I started pulling the lifeless girl out of the back, and he came to fight me off. I was really scared that he would touch me, he was really really greasy and for some reason that really scared me lol. A cop drove slowly by and I screamed at him for help, but when he got out, he just said that the guy was all good and to not bother. I was screaming at him that he chloroformed her, but cop wouldnt listen.

The dream ended with me, pulling an army-coloured rifle out of a near by bush and pointing it at the rapist. He must have known that I would never pull the trigger because the last thing I remember before waking up was his shot gun pointed at my head, as we stood in a stand still - both at gun point, fighting for a complete stranger who didn't even know what was happening.

SO yea. That was a dream that I had. I remember it really vividly, I still feel really shooked up from both the tower-fall and the drug-rape-attempt.
I'm trying to piece together why each of these things appeared in my dream, but its harder than it seems. Lol