So I've been filling out my education application for a few weeks now, its due on Friday so I gotta get my shit together and polish it up by then. The reason why its' taking so long is because the interview portion of the application is done online in the form of essay questions. There's 5 questions, only two of which have to do with teaching, but one of the unrelated questions struck me the other day. The question asks "Describe a situation where you attempted a difficult situation and the end result wasn't positive. How did you deal with it and what did you learn?". I have thought on this question for weeks, I have pondered over all of my memories trying to think of something relevant to put here. I have friends writing about how they tried out for their school sports teams and didn't make it, how they volunteered for a position that was way over their heads and couldn't manage. I took in all my friends stories and tried to relate, but I couldn't. Then I made a realization: I had never attempted something that I didn't already know that I couldn't succeed at, I had never taken any risks.
This realization lead to some serious psychological controversy within myself. I had never taken any risks. How boring of a life do I lead!? I'm sitting here with a ton of potential to do whatever I want. I can make money, I am able-bodied, I'm not held under and discriminatory oppression and for the most part I'm well liked both by friends and strangers. I realize that risks like hopping a flight to Zimbabwe in the middle of a random night weren't really an option for me what with school holding me back, ect. But how could I have gone 21 years without taking any real risks?!
I guess you could say I have taken risks in respect to relationships, I've opened myself up to a number of guys and been hurt by some of them, so I do know what its like to take a chance and have it fail. But as far as life experiences, living life to the fullest kind of thing, what have I been doing with myself for all these years?
I'm young right now, I have very little responsibilities at the moment, I should try living on the fly for a while. I should get out there and experience new things. I want to do that. I've always wanted to go to one of the poetry slams on Broadway every Friday, I want to try out the little indie pub in the basement of the old folks home across the river and I want to take up kickboxing. Why shouldn't I?
Here's the second part of this post that's kind of unrelated.
I might try to talk to Jenna about this, but lately I've realized that her life is a whole chapter behind mine right now. She just recently experienced her first heartbreak, whereas mine was almost two years ago. She's also attempting to remain friends with her ex who doesn't seem like he wants anything to do with her which, again, is something I went through months ago. She's watching her friends circle fall apart and for the first time has to feel the terrible feeling of being abandoned by people she trusted whole heartedly something I went through a while ago. She's feeling the emptiness of loneliness as her friends drift away and she's helpless, which I dealt with last year when my friend group got chopped up and I couldn't fit into another one.
I feel bad for Jenna for having to go through these tough things that life throws at you, I hope she learned something from watching me go through them, but more than that, I realize how badly she wasn't there for me when I needed her when I was going through them.
I remember when, after months of depression, I tried to talk to her about how I felt alone or friendless (I was literally sobbing at one point) and she just brushed it off and continued to talk to me about how perfect her group of friends were. Every day she had new hilarious stories* (not hilarious to me bc I wasn't in on all of the insiders and had no idea who any of the people in her stories were) to tell me. I remember talking to her about finally beginning to feel like I was fitting in again when her friend circle adopted me, and how she tried to kick me out of it. Eventually I found out that she was scared that they would all like me better than her, which I thought was silly, but annoying. She would tell her group things about me that I didn't want anyone to know, and talk about things I didn't understand with them when I was hanging out with them to alienate me. Probably the worst thing she would do was take my jokes, witty comebacks or even my funny stories and present them to the group as if they were her own. I absolutely hate when people do that. lol
Another thing she would do was criticize me for how I was dealing with my Johnson situation. It wasn't so much about the hookups or the breakup, it was about trying to be friends with him afterwards. She was supportive and by my side 100% and told Johnson off for me many times, which I was grateful for, but she wouldn't let me talk to him. Which is one of the reasons I'm on the high road right now (which I guess I can thank her for), but I wanted to just talk to him a few times and confront him about how he was talking to our friends about me and turning it into a war. I wanted to make him see that it didn't have to be that way, but Jenna forbid me from talking to him. Which made it much more difficult for me to deal with because then everything was internalized.
So now when she comes to me for advice and help for all these things that she's going through, I can relate to how she's feeling and I comfort her and try to help as best I can, but there's a part of me that's actually glad that she understands some of these things now and I hope she realizes how badly she misunderstood my situations before and takes the knowledge that my life is hugely different than hers into account next time I have a problem that she hasn't experienced yet.
Blog Soundtrack: Oath- Cher Lloyd, Let Your Heart Hold Fast - Fort Atlatic, You and Your Heart - Jack Johnson, The Funeral- Band of Horses
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
The "High Road"
So January has been interesting. I went from being incredibly happy in the beginning of the month to one whole week of unshakable hatred and anger. Through it all I've been doing my best to continue my journey on 'the high road' but its' been tough. REALLY TOUGH. Here's how it went.
I told you about the Meatball Fiasco of the 2013 New Year. This is in addition to that.
After the Meatball Fiasco I felt fine. I was not phased by some idiotic act of desperation and hatred and I actually kind of felt bad for Johnson because he had filled himself with so much petty hate and every vent he had used to try to get it out before was now clogged with the bullshit that he stuffed into each one (and by that I mean all his friends were tired of hearing about it). And so I wasn't phased. Of course I missed the kin gang more and more as days went by, I hung out with them less and less, but, being that it was the beginning of a new semester, I was optimistic. I was making new friends left and right, right and left! All of my classes were highly interactive and meeting people became easy. I was at ease and I'm pretty sure my aura turned a hideous shade of joyous yellow and radiated off me wherever I went. I was happy. I kept up with chores and interacted with ma peeps. Then it happened.
The kin gang was having a pub crawl fundraiser for some event that they were going to as a college. Of course I bought a ticket and was pumped to go, the theme was Canadian Tuxedo, aka denim on denim on denim. I had kin friends texting me daily talking about what they were going to wear, how much fun we were all going to have being drunk and rowdy as a group. I was psyched to say the least. No assignments due the next week. I was golden.
All was well until the Monday before the pub crawl (Friday) after a volleyball game when Bryna asked me and Jenna if we were going to Johnsons predrinking gig at his house on friday. I was confused as I had heard nothing about it. Bryna said that the invite was just send out via facebook group chat, so I checked my phone. Nothing. Apparently everyone in the group that was going to the pubcrawl was invited. Except me. At first this didn't really bother me all too much. Bryna said it was stupid to go to Johnsons to predrink when we lived two blocks from the bar and he lived on the other side of the city. So she volunteered to stay and predrink with me. Jenna said the same thing. Although I was very grateful for them to do this, I was still disapointed that everyone else was going to be at Johnsons having fun.
As the days progressed, I got more and more pissed at this situation. Jenna talked to Johnson and said that she wasn't going to just ditch me to go to his party, he replied with "Well she can come too if she wants", which I took to mean "She can come, but I don't want her to." which further translated into "If I make her feel uncomfortable with this, I'm still being socially acceptable but I'll still be upset if she has the nerve to come". I didn't want to go. The potential for the whole night ending in disaster would quadruple if I walked into that bear trap, so I opted out of being Jenna's 'plus one'. Johnson got mad at Jenna for choosing not to go to his house of course, and probably found some way to blame me for it. And that's when I got pissed.
I've always been the kind of person to try to make sure everyone else is alright before I check up with myself. My goals are to make sure everyone else is having a good time before I make sure I am. And usually that makes me happy. In cases of breakups with someone who is in the same friend circle, I do my best to make it so none of the in between friends feel like they're in an awkward place. Which is why I didn't understand Johnsons logic in this situation.
I told you about the Meatball Fiasco of the 2013 New Year. This is in addition to that.
After the Meatball Fiasco I felt fine. I was not phased by some idiotic act of desperation and hatred and I actually kind of felt bad for Johnson because he had filled himself with so much petty hate and every vent he had used to try to get it out before was now clogged with the bullshit that he stuffed into each one (and by that I mean all his friends were tired of hearing about it). And so I wasn't phased. Of course I missed the kin gang more and more as days went by, I hung out with them less and less, but, being that it was the beginning of a new semester, I was optimistic. I was making new friends left and right, right and left! All of my classes were highly interactive and meeting people became easy. I was at ease and I'm pretty sure my aura turned a hideous shade of joyous yellow and radiated off me wherever I went. I was happy. I kept up with chores and interacted with ma peeps. Then it happened.
The kin gang was having a pub crawl fundraiser for some event that they were going to as a college. Of course I bought a ticket and was pumped to go, the theme was Canadian Tuxedo, aka denim on denim on denim. I had kin friends texting me daily talking about what they were going to wear, how much fun we were all going to have being drunk and rowdy as a group. I was psyched to say the least. No assignments due the next week. I was golden.
All was well until the Monday before the pub crawl (Friday) after a volleyball game when Bryna asked me and Jenna if we were going to Johnsons predrinking gig at his house on friday. I was confused as I had heard nothing about it. Bryna said that the invite was just send out via facebook group chat, so I checked my phone. Nothing. Apparently everyone in the group that was going to the pubcrawl was invited. Except me. At first this didn't really bother me all too much. Bryna said it was stupid to go to Johnsons to predrink when we lived two blocks from the bar and he lived on the other side of the city. So she volunteered to stay and predrink with me. Jenna said the same thing. Although I was very grateful for them to do this, I was still disapointed that everyone else was going to be at Johnsons having fun.
As the days progressed, I got more and more pissed at this situation. Jenna talked to Johnson and said that she wasn't going to just ditch me to go to his party, he replied with "Well she can come too if she wants", which I took to mean "She can come, but I don't want her to." which further translated into "If I make her feel uncomfortable with this, I'm still being socially acceptable but I'll still be upset if she has the nerve to come". I didn't want to go. The potential for the whole night ending in disaster would quadruple if I walked into that bear trap, so I opted out of being Jenna's 'plus one'. Johnson got mad at Jenna for choosing not to go to his house of course, and probably found some way to blame me for it. And that's when I got pissed.
I've always been the kind of person to try to make sure everyone else is alright before I check up with myself. My goals are to make sure everyone else is having a good time before I make sure I am. And usually that makes me happy. In cases of breakups with someone who is in the same friend circle, I do my best to make it so none of the in between friends feel like they're in an awkward place. Which is why I didn't understand Johnsons logic in this situation.
- Inviting literally EVERYONE ELSE of the friend circle over would surely draw attention to the fact that there is a vendetta between us and put extra emphasis on the idea that they must either choose one side of the breakup or the other.
- Inviting literally EVERYONE ELSE over to end up at the same place that I would be at is not only cruel, its awkward again. Having everyone ask where I was for predrinking.. I would just have to explain that I wasn't invited. And they would feel awkward as if they had in fact just chosen a side.
- Johnsons house is ACROSS THE CITY from the bar we were starting at. Like we're talking $30 cab ride one way. It made no sense to start there.
- We always predrink at our house, we never sent out a formal invite on facebook because everyone just knows to come to our place for drinks because its usually close to where we're going.
- Inviting me wouldn't have been a huge deal. Add me to a list on facebook. It's not like your getting down on one knee and sending me a hand written card, you're just including me.
- GROW UP.
I heard a number of different excuses Johnson used to explain why I wasn't on the guest list, apparently people were asking. One was that he wasn't sure if I was coming on the pub crawl so he didn't bother putting me on the list. Another was that I was his ex and he didn't want to have to invite his ex to every event he hosted (which was bullshit because I don't care about other events, just the ones where I'm the ONLY one not invited, and the main event is something we're all doing together anyways). Someone else told me that he said he had used an old facebook group chat to send the invite that I wasn't on - which turned out to be a fib since there was no group chat history. To me, there was nothing he could say to validate not inviting me. I just saw it as a childish act of petty revenge and I was sick of it.
After the invite was sent on Monday, Jenna and I were bombarded with secret requests that we predrink at our house anyways. Everyone thought it was stupid to predrink at Johnsons because of how ridiculously far away it was. Jenna took the high road and told everyone that that wouldn't be fair seeing as Johnson invited people first and proclaiming that we were having people would just fuel the 'which side are you on' thing that was subliminally going on. Finally, on Thursday, I caved and told a few girls that they could come over if they wanted to. We had a small group together and predrinks were fun!
But then we got to the bar.
The pub crawl was fantastic, great turnout, everyone got drunk and rowdy and I got many many compliments on my overalls. I was avoiding Johnson like the plague because just looking at him made me want to punch him in the face. How could he STILL be such a baby?
The night was going great, I was meeting all kinds of people, getting lots of free drinks and dancing like a young MJ (haha terrible. just terrible). We returned to the original bar and stepped out onto the dancefloor, where later in the night, Johnson would noogie me out of no where. When I turned around to see who it was and saw that it was him, I just said WTF and carried on. He responded by jumping down onto the dance floor and dancing up beside me. I was this close *little man hand gesture*, THIS CLOSE *aggressive little man hand gesture* to slapping him across the face. After that my night was kind of ruined.
The heart and soul of why I was angry was because, once again, I had to play by his rules. I had to act accordingly in fear that he would have another epic meltdown and bash me to all of our close friends again. If I stepped one toe out of line in front of him, it was game over and all the progress I had made with breaking down his wall of childish ignorance would be destroyed and people would feel more compelled to choose a side. I didn't want people to choose a side, even if that side was mine. I wanted everyone to be friends in harmony again. SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE! Sorry, thought that reference would be relevant here.
Anyways, the next day I found out that after I had tip toed around all night trying not to upset the bull in the china shop that was our friend circle, Johnson had macked on like 5 girls that night. I was crushed. Not because I was jealous of any of those girls, not because I wanted him to be making out with me, but because I had put so much effort into mending this shit hole and he had been working in the opposite direction. If I were the one who had made out with 5 people that night, Johnson would have blown up. I doubt that he would have been jealous, but he would have made a big deal about it to all our friends and put me under the magnifying glass to point out even more of my flaws to the world. I on the other hand, am still trying to opt for the high road. Which I'm increasingly starting to think is overrated.
Do you know how hard it is to not join in on bashing someone who treats you like that? Several of our friends have come to me just disgusted by his behavior that night and all I can do is nod my head and try not to burst into a projectile word vomit of all the nasty things that I would love to say about him. But again, I don't want our friend to feel like they have to choose between us, so I keep quiet. I don't stand up for him when they bash on him by any means, but I don't join in. I could sink to his level and dive into the friend claiming war thats going on here but that's not who I want to be.
I even try to keep it to a minimum when talking to Jenna, who is and has been my outlet for literally everything ever. I know they're still friends and as much as I want her to just finally see what a douche he is, I don't want to go there. Its been eating me inside out for the last week and a half. I've been literally going crazy. I'm disgusted by Johnson but more so I'm disgusted by myself. I've done such a good job of managing these feelings over the past few years. I didn't even feel this enraged when me and Brad broke up, and that was a much harder breakup than this one. I kept it together in that situation so why am I slowly cracking in this one? I know, Brad didn't harass me and dissect my every move as a way to sabotage my relationships with my friends. Brad wasn't a crazy fuck. He was equally douchey in what he did to me, but at least he didn't string it out like this.
I guess that's all I have to say about this. I played basketball on Wednesday and that really hepled me deal, I let a lot of anger out while playing and I was actually kind of a decent defender. Shooting still shits the bed every time but hey, I kept them from getting at least 10 baskets. I think I'll look forward to basketball every wednesday now. I just don't want to live under the microscope for any longer. I wish I could cut him out of my life completely. He is truly the guy version of the psychotic ex girlfriend.
How do I not stray off the high road when I'm this upset about it?
And also, I also just found out that he banged one of the girls on his sports team a few weeks ago. And that it was the best sex he ever had- his first time doing anal! (aaaaand then I literally keeled over and almost threw up- I don't think guys will understand how truly gross that is to hear, girls will probably get it though.)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Blog Every Day in January? (For the rest of January?)
Went out last night. Had too much fun. Drank a lot and was Jory Drunk (a proper term coined by one of my best friends to describe when one is intoxicated to the level where they're happy, think everything is funny and are able to be themselves completely with a complete and total lack of fear). One of the best parts of what happened last night was when Brad showed up. I saw him come in at the door and bolted for my table to sit down so I didn't have to face him. Unfortunately, when I went to the bathroom, Brads group came and sat at a table right beside mine. He approached me to talk and suggested that we hang out in our old friend circle again from high school because he misses us. That was really nice to hear.
The conversation ended, it was really loud in there, and I turned back to my table. Then my neighbor and drinking buddy Matt asked me to dance. So we were dancing and he said that Brads gf saw us talking and was PISSED. Lol I had to laugh a little. I really don't know her so I can't say if she's a good person or not. I knew that it was wrong, but I just got happier after hearing that news. It's stupid and pointless but honestly who can say they don't have a tiny grudge against the person who was next after you to date the one person who totally and completely broke you? So yea. I took a tiny bit of satisfaction to know that she might be the jealous type and Brad might not be totally happy with her. I'll admit it. I don't want him back, but I certainly don't want him to be happier than me. That's something that I'll only ever admit on here. Haha I'm not crazy, I'm human and I think everyone feels this way after going through what I went through with him.
ANYWAYS. The night just kept getting better because as soon as Matt told me that she was pissed, who should have danced up beside us but Brad's gf herself! She wasn't dancing with Brad, some other random guy. The fact that she danced up beside us and was kinda sizing me up wasn't what made me happy, it was that she punched me. Haha PUNCHED ME! Like not in the face, it was the kind of punch where your still dancing with someone and you take the hand thats out front in a two step and hit someone with it while its still grasping your partners hand. Lol me and Matt just kinda laughed in her direction and then gave each other a look and then just bust out laughing when she was absorbed into a different part of the dance floor.
This happened two more times before we left, each time I was dancing with Matt. Jenna also said that she caught her glaring at her a number of times. I tried not to look at either Brad or his girlfriend so I wouldn't know.
I don't really know what else to say in this blog. It's a little weird to express this weird, animalistic kind of joy like this. I try to suppress it usually. You shouldn't feel joy in other peoples pain, but sometimes you can't help it. Anyways, Steven is coming over to buy my old Chem 112 textbooks. THANK GOD I CAN GET THOSE THINGS OUTTA MY LIFE. And he's bringing me a cookie :)
The conversation ended, it was really loud in there, and I turned back to my table. Then my neighbor and drinking buddy Matt asked me to dance. So we were dancing and he said that Brads gf saw us talking and was PISSED. Lol I had to laugh a little. I really don't know her so I can't say if she's a good person or not. I knew that it was wrong, but I just got happier after hearing that news. It's stupid and pointless but honestly who can say they don't have a tiny grudge against the person who was next after you to date the one person who totally and completely broke you? So yea. I took a tiny bit of satisfaction to know that she might be the jealous type and Brad might not be totally happy with her. I'll admit it. I don't want him back, but I certainly don't want him to be happier than me. That's something that I'll only ever admit on here. Haha I'm not crazy, I'm human and I think everyone feels this way after going through what I went through with him.
ANYWAYS. The night just kept getting better because as soon as Matt told me that she was pissed, who should have danced up beside us but Brad's gf herself! She wasn't dancing with Brad, some other random guy. The fact that she danced up beside us and was kinda sizing me up wasn't what made me happy, it was that she punched me. Haha PUNCHED ME! Like not in the face, it was the kind of punch where your still dancing with someone and you take the hand thats out front in a two step and hit someone with it while its still grasping your partners hand. Lol me and Matt just kinda laughed in her direction and then gave each other a look and then just bust out laughing when she was absorbed into a different part of the dance floor.
This happened two more times before we left, each time I was dancing with Matt. Jenna also said that she caught her glaring at her a number of times. I tried not to look at either Brad or his girlfriend so I wouldn't know.
I don't really know what else to say in this blog. It's a little weird to express this weird, animalistic kind of joy like this. I try to suppress it usually. You shouldn't feel joy in other peoples pain, but sometimes you can't help it. Anyways, Steven is coming over to buy my old Chem 112 textbooks. THANK GOD I CAN GET THOSE THINGS OUTTA MY LIFE. And he's bringing me a cookie :)
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
How I started 2013
I like to tell myself that I can relate to people, that I can put myself in their shoes and understand where they're coming from. I like to think that if I take into consideration their situation and their past experiences I can figure out why they justify what they do and how they act.
I openly admit that I can't do that anymore with one person: Johnson (yes I know I told you his real name, but I'm still gonna talk in code lol).
I have hardly spoken a word to Johnson since my birthday night when he offered up his body to me as a "birthday present". Let me be clear, it has been well over a month since he's said a thing to me and over two since we've talked about anything of importance between the two of us. We dated for 33 days back in April/June. SEVEN MONTHS AGO. We did not have sex.
On Monday night it was New Years and I was more than excited to be coming back to the city to celebrate the first night of the new year with some of the best friends I have made in university. Johnson was going to be there, but I figured everything that had happened between us was so far in the past that everything was going to be fine. I had already waved the white flag. All I had to do was wait for him to reciprocate. I took his situation into consideration, I had given him what he wanted, let everything blow over. All of our mutual friends were consistently more and more friendly towards me over finals season, including the one friend that refused to say happy birthday to me because he was afraid of upsetting Johnson. I walked into the party with shining confidence that this night would be the start of a year of peace and serenity between me and Johnson that would finally FINALLY end the uneasiness and pure hatred that I felt shooting from his eyes every time he looked at me. I put myself in his shoes many times before and what I would do in his situation is vastly different than what he is currently doing. And it was New Years night when I finally accepted that I have no idea what course of action his mind has planned, I simply cannot relate to it.
Anyway, here's a sequence of events that lead to the first dramatic episode of 2013 (sadly I don't think it's going to be the last either..)
Got to the party. Opened the door and Johnson was right there. He looked at Jenna and greeted her with a giant hug and smile and HAPPY NEW YEAR!. He then proceeded to not look me in the eye as he squeezed past me in the very narrow entry way. I managed to get out a "Hi." as he passed, break the ice a little. He reciprocated "hi" once he was halfway out the door - I never knew there could be so much ice in one word.
Got to the basement where the party was in full swing. It was a smaller gathering but it was mostly all close friends and really, what more do you need? I made my way to the couch area after hugging my buddies as they welcomed me. Immediatly I noticed 3 takeout containers full of spaghetti and meatballs. Each had been partially eaten already, but now were left on the coffee table without supervision. I poured a drink and began socializing/drinking games. I almost forgot that Johnson was there until I heard him loudly complaining to our friends about how he wished he was anywhere but here, threatening to leave. No one really begged him to stay as far as I could hear, but for some reason, he never left. :/
The night continued and I was having a blast. Won Baseball Beer Pong and even got talking to *Frank, the friend who wouldnt talk to me on my birthday. He was actually being ridiculously nice to me and we ended up joking around for quite some time. I ended up on the couch with my buddy Steven (real name! hha) and we were talking about the Walking Dead as I had just caught up on the second and third season over the Christmas break. We were talking about some of the deaths when I said to him "I cried so hard when ____ died" (I'll keep that blank so I don't spoil it for you, but in the real situation I said the full name. From ACROSS THE ROOM I heard this little yelp. I looked over and Johnson, who had apparently been listening in on our convo and who also apparently had not seen the episode where ____ dies, screamed "AS IF YOU JUST SPOILED THAT FOR ME!" or something to that effect in a high pitched, shrill and snarly voice. He stormed up to Jenna and started ranting to her about me.... I didn't even really know what to say. Like I wasn't talking to him, he wasn't invited into the conversation, but yet he found a way to get mad at me.
If you think that's stupid, just wait until you hear this next part. It's borderline comical actually. I was sitting on the couch still there with Steven and Deric*. Deric is one of Johnsons best friends, and also my sisters ex. It's fucked up, but we have no beef with each other so we get along just fine. Deric grabbed one of the takeout boxes off the table which I assumed was his and stabbed a meatball. The plan was to get a video of Deric shoving a whole fist-sized meatball in his mouth. Instead I got a video of Deric biting half of it, laughing and then dropping the fork-meatball apparatus back into the box and getting up and walking away. There was a small crowd that was waiting for this epic moment to happen so I stepped up to the plate and delivered. I took the remaining meatball and shoved it in my mouth. A cheer erupted from the small group and I got several highfives as I struggled to swallow the enormous sphere of meat in my mouth (Take that sentence and run with it. I'm basically setting you up here haha). Someone suggested I wash it down with some of the spaghetti. I stabbed a fork full and went to put it in my mouth. I had the fork up to my mouth ready to deliver the carbs to my tongue when I locked eyes with Johnson who was standing about 3 feet from the other end of the coffee table. He was glaring at me and said "HEY THATS MY SPAGHETTI". I thought he must have his takeout box confused because Deric had just finished eating some of this box, thus it was Derics food. I looked back at my small group of admiring fans (baha) and ate the spaghetti. Another round of high fives. (Drunk people celebrate small accomplishments)
Apparently this was the last straw for Johnson. He threw a FIT. He started screaming at Jenna as if she should chastise me for eating his food. I didn't really notice that anything was wrong for quite a while. I thought he was just talking to her. It wasn't until I tuned into their conversation that I knew it was about me. I couldn't hear what he was saying. He stormed out of the party. I didn't really care. I ate a fucking meatball for christs sake. And that food hadn't been touched since I got to the party, which was a solid 3 hours by that time. Who knows how long it was there before. And Deric was eating it as well. So I wasn't really sure what the big deal was.
I had forgotten about the incident when Jenna came up to me later and said something along the lines of "Jory stop doing anything reguarding Johnson. Don't eat his meatball, don't touch the cup he's drinking from, don't bump into him at all. Just stop everything that has to do with him. You're really pushing his buttons" I was frustrated. I teared up a little. I wasn't trying to fucking start drama again. I was and am so sick of his petty shit. I'm not a dramatic person, if someone does something that pisses me off, I hold it in and let it go. I also felt bad because I sincerely didn't mean to touch a nerve, if I would have consciously known that it was his fucking meatball I wouldn't have went near it.
Anyway, the best part of the Johnson drama happened about half an hour later when I squeezed my empty cup onto the heaping full coffee table and accidentally forced one of the boxes of spag off the table. Luckily, it wasn't Johnsons box of precious spaghetti, but it still broke open on the floor and splatted everywhere. I cursed loudly and bent to clean it up when who should pop outta no where but Johnson. "THATS MY SPAGHETTI!!!" he whined. I looked at him and said "No THAT is your spaghetti." and pointed to the box I had eaten from not even an hour ago that was still sitting in the same spot. He disagreed and pointed at the mess on the floor, "THAT was my spaghetti." he said. And that's when I knew he was just in it to start shit. He didn't even know which box was his, he was just looking for reasons to be mad at me. He sulked for the rest of the night and talked to several people about how I was purposely trying to get under his skin with every little thing I did. I know this because my sister told me. I don't really think he found a legitimate one that night, but I sure found reason enough to be upset with him.
What a shit disturber. I'm so annoyed right now. Jenna had plans to watch Walking Dead with Johnson here at our house sometime this week. Yesterday I asked her to watch it at his house so he doesn't have to come over. I don't want him near me. I can't do anything right when he's around. Every little thing will be ridiculed and picked apart. The verdict of every action that I make will be because I am pure evil trying to sabotage him. I wish he could just see the truth. I don't care any more. I'm simply annoyed. I'm more annoyed of him right now than I have been of anyone in the past 5 years. And I'm only saying 5 years because I can't really remember past that all that clearly. Although I'm annoyed, I have no motives for revenge. I don't wish bad things upon him. I just wish he would stop convicting me of felons that I didn't commit. I just really don't care about him. I've moved on to other guys (I got my own Deric, that was super fun! We friend zoned eachother hahaha!) and I've realized I don't need to be friends with him to stay in my circle of friends. I don't need to be friends with him.
It's one of those moments where I'm so thankful for my gift of foresight. I took the flak for a long time, I held my ground but kept myself from beaking him to our mutual friends, not trying to pull them away from him or towards me, but just acting organically around them. I know he did quite the opposite. But I think my approach is the best one I could have had. I'm happy with my decisions, except for my decision to date him in the first place. haha.
Yikes I have class in 6.5 hours. TTYL. I told this little incident in quite some detail because I can't sleep and all in all the whole deal was really short. and I needed to make it seem longer to entertain myself until I get tired. CURSE YOU LATE NIGHTS AND LATE MORNINGS FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS
Blog soundtrack: Nowhere Left to Go - Joshua Hyslop
I openly admit that I can't do that anymore with one person: Johnson (yes I know I told you his real name, but I'm still gonna talk in code lol).
I have hardly spoken a word to Johnson since my birthday night when he offered up his body to me as a "birthday present". Let me be clear, it has been well over a month since he's said a thing to me and over two since we've talked about anything of importance between the two of us. We dated for 33 days back in April/June. SEVEN MONTHS AGO. We did not have sex.
On Monday night it was New Years and I was more than excited to be coming back to the city to celebrate the first night of the new year with some of the best friends I have made in university. Johnson was going to be there, but I figured everything that had happened between us was so far in the past that everything was going to be fine. I had already waved the white flag. All I had to do was wait for him to reciprocate. I took his situation into consideration, I had given him what he wanted, let everything blow over. All of our mutual friends were consistently more and more friendly towards me over finals season, including the one friend that refused to say happy birthday to me because he was afraid of upsetting Johnson. I walked into the party with shining confidence that this night would be the start of a year of peace and serenity between me and Johnson that would finally FINALLY end the uneasiness and pure hatred that I felt shooting from his eyes every time he looked at me. I put myself in his shoes many times before and what I would do in his situation is vastly different than what he is currently doing. And it was New Years night when I finally accepted that I have no idea what course of action his mind has planned, I simply cannot relate to it.
Anyway, here's a sequence of events that lead to the first dramatic episode of 2013 (sadly I don't think it's going to be the last either..)
Got to the party. Opened the door and Johnson was right there. He looked at Jenna and greeted her with a giant hug and smile and HAPPY NEW YEAR!. He then proceeded to not look me in the eye as he squeezed past me in the very narrow entry way. I managed to get out a "Hi." as he passed, break the ice a little. He reciprocated "hi" once he was halfway out the door - I never knew there could be so much ice in one word.
Got to the basement where the party was in full swing. It was a smaller gathering but it was mostly all close friends and really, what more do you need? I made my way to the couch area after hugging my buddies as they welcomed me. Immediatly I noticed 3 takeout containers full of spaghetti and meatballs. Each had been partially eaten already, but now were left on the coffee table without supervision. I poured a drink and began socializing/drinking games. I almost forgot that Johnson was there until I heard him loudly complaining to our friends about how he wished he was anywhere but here, threatening to leave. No one really begged him to stay as far as I could hear, but for some reason, he never left. :/
The night continued and I was having a blast. Won Baseball Beer Pong and even got talking to *Frank, the friend who wouldnt talk to me on my birthday. He was actually being ridiculously nice to me and we ended up joking around for quite some time. I ended up on the couch with my buddy Steven (real name! hha) and we were talking about the Walking Dead as I had just caught up on the second and third season over the Christmas break. We were talking about some of the deaths when I said to him "I cried so hard when ____ died" (I'll keep that blank so I don't spoil it for you, but in the real situation I said the full name. From ACROSS THE ROOM I heard this little yelp. I looked over and Johnson, who had apparently been listening in on our convo and who also apparently had not seen the episode where ____ dies, screamed "AS IF YOU JUST SPOILED THAT FOR ME!" or something to that effect in a high pitched, shrill and snarly voice. He stormed up to Jenna and started ranting to her about me.... I didn't even really know what to say. Like I wasn't talking to him, he wasn't invited into the conversation, but yet he found a way to get mad at me.
If you think that's stupid, just wait until you hear this next part. It's borderline comical actually. I was sitting on the couch still there with Steven and Deric*. Deric is one of Johnsons best friends, and also my sisters ex. It's fucked up, but we have no beef with each other so we get along just fine. Deric grabbed one of the takeout boxes off the table which I assumed was his and stabbed a meatball. The plan was to get a video of Deric shoving a whole fist-sized meatball in his mouth. Instead I got a video of Deric biting half of it, laughing and then dropping the fork-meatball apparatus back into the box and getting up and walking away. There was a small crowd that was waiting for this epic moment to happen so I stepped up to the plate and delivered. I took the remaining meatball and shoved it in my mouth. A cheer erupted from the small group and I got several highfives as I struggled to swallow the enormous sphere of meat in my mouth (Take that sentence and run with it. I'm basically setting you up here haha). Someone suggested I wash it down with some of the spaghetti. I stabbed a fork full and went to put it in my mouth. I had the fork up to my mouth ready to deliver the carbs to my tongue when I locked eyes with Johnson who was standing about 3 feet from the other end of the coffee table. He was glaring at me and said "HEY THATS MY SPAGHETTI". I thought he must have his takeout box confused because Deric had just finished eating some of this box, thus it was Derics food. I looked back at my small group of admiring fans (baha) and ate the spaghetti. Another round of high fives. (Drunk people celebrate small accomplishments)
Apparently this was the last straw for Johnson. He threw a FIT. He started screaming at Jenna as if she should chastise me for eating his food. I didn't really notice that anything was wrong for quite a while. I thought he was just talking to her. It wasn't until I tuned into their conversation that I knew it was about me. I couldn't hear what he was saying. He stormed out of the party. I didn't really care. I ate a fucking meatball for christs sake. And that food hadn't been touched since I got to the party, which was a solid 3 hours by that time. Who knows how long it was there before. And Deric was eating it as well. So I wasn't really sure what the big deal was.
I had forgotten about the incident when Jenna came up to me later and said something along the lines of "Jory stop doing anything reguarding Johnson. Don't eat his meatball, don't touch the cup he's drinking from, don't bump into him at all. Just stop everything that has to do with him. You're really pushing his buttons" I was frustrated. I teared up a little. I wasn't trying to fucking start drama again. I was and am so sick of his petty shit. I'm not a dramatic person, if someone does something that pisses me off, I hold it in and let it go. I also felt bad because I sincerely didn't mean to touch a nerve, if I would have consciously known that it was his fucking meatball I wouldn't have went near it.
Anyway, the best part of the Johnson drama happened about half an hour later when I squeezed my empty cup onto the heaping full coffee table and accidentally forced one of the boxes of spag off the table. Luckily, it wasn't Johnsons box of precious spaghetti, but it still broke open on the floor and splatted everywhere. I cursed loudly and bent to clean it up when who should pop outta no where but Johnson. "THATS MY SPAGHETTI!!!" he whined. I looked at him and said "No THAT is your spaghetti." and pointed to the box I had eaten from not even an hour ago that was still sitting in the same spot. He disagreed and pointed at the mess on the floor, "THAT was my spaghetti." he said. And that's when I knew he was just in it to start shit. He didn't even know which box was his, he was just looking for reasons to be mad at me. He sulked for the rest of the night and talked to several people about how I was purposely trying to get under his skin with every little thing I did. I know this because my sister told me. I don't really think he found a legitimate one that night, but I sure found reason enough to be upset with him.
What a shit disturber. I'm so annoyed right now. Jenna had plans to watch Walking Dead with Johnson here at our house sometime this week. Yesterday I asked her to watch it at his house so he doesn't have to come over. I don't want him near me. I can't do anything right when he's around. Every little thing will be ridiculed and picked apart. The verdict of every action that I make will be because I am pure evil trying to sabotage him. I wish he could just see the truth. I don't care any more. I'm simply annoyed. I'm more annoyed of him right now than I have been of anyone in the past 5 years. And I'm only saying 5 years because I can't really remember past that all that clearly. Although I'm annoyed, I have no motives for revenge. I don't wish bad things upon him. I just wish he would stop convicting me of felons that I didn't commit. I just really don't care about him. I've moved on to other guys (I got my own Deric, that was super fun! We friend zoned eachother hahaha!) and I've realized I don't need to be friends with him to stay in my circle of friends. I don't need to be friends with him.
It's one of those moments where I'm so thankful for my gift of foresight. I took the flak for a long time, I held my ground but kept myself from beaking him to our mutual friends, not trying to pull them away from him or towards me, but just acting organically around them. I know he did quite the opposite. But I think my approach is the best one I could have had. I'm happy with my decisions, except for my decision to date him in the first place. haha.
Yikes I have class in 6.5 hours. TTYL. I told this little incident in quite some detail because I can't sleep and all in all the whole deal was really short. and I needed to make it seem longer to entertain myself until I get tired. CURSE YOU LATE NIGHTS AND LATE MORNINGS FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS
Blog soundtrack: Nowhere Left to Go - Joshua Hyslop
Sunday, December 9, 2012
25 Small Things. Part 1
I'm sitting here at my kitchen table studying. The roomies are gone, except Jenna. I went to the cupboard and found the bag of pommegranats I bought the other night, and I thought - There is nothing better than having fresh fruit in the house. Then I thought a little further and there's tons of little things in life that have the capacity to make my day. So here are 25 of them.
1. Standing on the heat vent and have it blow hot air through the bottom of your pants
2. Having an extension cord that's just long enough
3. A random stranger coming up and asking you where you got your shoes
4. Those rotisserie chickens from Safeway
5. Perfectly round rocks
6. A clean kitchen
7. Neighbors that shovel your driveway for you
8. A really good song that you kill in the first week of its release because you replay it so much
9. Ice skating
10. When you make pasta just right.
11. Learning a new chord on guitar
12. Texts with smiley faces
13. Lists
14. New pens
15. Grandparents
16. Clap-on lamps
17. Lucid dreams
18. Eating a really juicy orange but not having any of it drip down your chin/wrist
19. Having someone say that your ex boyfriends new girlfriend is a real bitch
20. When friends tell you they love you.
21. Beaking the shit outta Jens.
22. When you find out your on someones Top Friends list on facebook and you
23. Dusting something that's really dusty
24. How plants in a room instantly make it look better
25. Finishing this list without even really having to think on it.
1. Standing on the heat vent and have it blow hot air through the bottom of your pants
2. Having an extension cord that's just long enough
3. A random stranger coming up and asking you where you got your shoes
4. Those rotisserie chickens from Safeway
5. Perfectly round rocks
6. A clean kitchen
7. Neighbors that shovel your driveway for you
8. A really good song that you kill in the first week of its release because you replay it so much
9. Ice skating
10. When you make pasta just right.
11. Learning a new chord on guitar
12. Texts with smiley faces
13. Lists
14. New pens
15. Grandparents
16. Clap-on lamps
17. Lucid dreams
18. Eating a really juicy orange but not having any of it drip down your chin/wrist
19. Having someone say that your ex boyfriends new girlfriend is a real bitch
20. When friends tell you they love you.
21. Beaking the shit outta Jens.
22. When you find out your on someones Top Friends list on facebook and you
23. Dusting something that's really dusty
24. How plants in a room instantly make it look better
25. Finishing this list without even really having to think on it.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
FINALSFINALSFINALS
So I'm done 3 of my 5 finals for this December. And yesterday was the first official day of finals for U of S. That's right. 3 finals in 28 hours. I was a little crazy by the end of it. I was up until 2 am the night before and got up at 7 to study. But didn't really sleep. So when I got home after that third final you can imagine what I did. That's right. I did everything in my power to stay awake longer. I watched a movie - How to Deal with Mandy Moore, terrible plot, terrible acting, terrible conflict, terrible movie all around - and then I went to Superstore to get groceries since our household was in desperate need of them and I wasn't able to get any for the past two weeks being too busy with school and what not. We also stopped our roommate meal plan for this week so basically I had been living off of food court food for a whole week. Anyway, went to the store fro mlike 7-8:30, just putzing around like a zombie, I ended up buying the most random shit. Like honey dijon mustard. I have never had that in my life. Why the fuck did I buy it? I didn't even see the price! Just grabbed it and stuffed it in the cart, right beside the tube of pilsbury oven ready cinnamon buns, frozen waffles and two random mini cups of yogurt. I don't even like yogurt. So along with the rule that you should never go shopping when you're hungry, I'll add Never Go Shopping While in Zombie Mode to the rule book. I should also add Do Not Blog While in Zombie Mode, but I'll break that one for tonight. I stayed up til 2 again last night for no particular reason.
I'm sitting on my couch right now, just watched two movies in a row and then the Top 30 Countdown came on. I paused the TV so I could listen to music on my laptop as I write this. Unfortunately its paused on a picture of Nikki Minaj. Wearing a really tight black dress. And you can totally see her nipples through it. They're just staring at me. I feel embarrassed but also kind of flattered. It's not everyday that one gets stared at by the Minaj twins.
Enough of that conversation with myself. I also bought a six pack of bottled coke last night. I'm drinking one of the bottles right now, except I poured it into a glass to look less trashy. In my own home, when no one is around. I'm contemplating going out tonight. But I'm so comfortable. And my feet are tucked into my knees in this yoga pose and they're feeling warm for the first time all day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOY SECTION (skip now if you want)
So I'm seeing this new guy. I think I may have mentioned him in this blog before. I accidentally thought he was someone else in line for the beer gardens in Septemner, and told him I know him and explained how we met and was slightly offended when he didn't remember me. But as the conversation went on, I realized it was a completely different guy completely and I looked like a huge loser haha so I awkwardly slid away. then I ran into him at the Branch the next night and again at the giant annual commerce party. Got his number somewhere in between there but I was still messing around with Johnson at the time so nothing really happened. I think I bumped into him a few other times between then and now, always friendly to each other, and then on my 21st birthday, he showed up DDing some friends and asked me out! So since then (2 weeks ago) we've been hanging out quite a lot. I think the first night it was almost every night of the week and then finals set in and I was too busy, and so texting has kinda worked. Plus he's given me rides to/from school a lot.. So far our dates have been
1. Frozen Yogurt.. 20 minutes of eating yogurt, 4 hours of non stop talking
2. Went to his house for a movie after writing my lab report.
3. He came over for a movie, FIRST KISS WOO
4. Red Lobster, Enchanted forest, movie at his place
5. Study date tomorrow!
Anyways, things are going good with him. I'm anxious for exams to be done so we can continue to move things forward. I would much rather talk to him in person than over text. He hasn't quite learned to catch a lot of my sarcasm over text yet.
Anyways Jenna and Myr just walked in and we're gonna watch walking dead. CYA!
I'm sitting on my couch right now, just watched two movies in a row and then the Top 30 Countdown came on. I paused the TV so I could listen to music on my laptop as I write this. Unfortunately its paused on a picture of Nikki Minaj. Wearing a really tight black dress. And you can totally see her nipples through it. They're just staring at me. I feel embarrassed but also kind of flattered. It's not everyday that one gets stared at by the Minaj twins.
Enough of that conversation with myself. I also bought a six pack of bottled coke last night. I'm drinking one of the bottles right now, except I poured it into a glass to look less trashy. In my own home, when no one is around. I'm contemplating going out tonight. But I'm so comfortable. And my feet are tucked into my knees in this yoga pose and they're feeling warm for the first time all day.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOY SECTION (skip now if you want)
So I'm seeing this new guy. I think I may have mentioned him in this blog before. I accidentally thought he was someone else in line for the beer gardens in Septemner, and told him I know him and explained how we met and was slightly offended when he didn't remember me. But as the conversation went on, I realized it was a completely different guy completely and I looked like a huge loser haha so I awkwardly slid away. then I ran into him at the Branch the next night and again at the giant annual commerce party. Got his number somewhere in between there but I was still messing around with Johnson at the time so nothing really happened. I think I bumped into him a few other times between then and now, always friendly to each other, and then on my 21st birthday, he showed up DDing some friends and asked me out! So since then (2 weeks ago) we've been hanging out quite a lot. I think the first night it was almost every night of the week and then finals set in and I was too busy, and so texting has kinda worked. Plus he's given me rides to/from school a lot.. So far our dates have been
1. Frozen Yogurt.. 20 minutes of eating yogurt, 4 hours of non stop talking
2. Went to his house for a movie after writing my lab report.
3. He came over for a movie, FIRST KISS WOO
4. Red Lobster, Enchanted forest, movie at his place
5. Study date tomorrow!
Anyways, things are going good with him. I'm anxious for exams to be done so we can continue to move things forward. I would much rather talk to him in person than over text. He hasn't quite learned to catch a lot of my sarcasm over text yet.
Anyways Jenna and Myr just walked in and we're gonna watch walking dead. CYA!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
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