This past weekend I planned a surprise birthday party for two of my friends. I can't take all the credit, because Johnson* was the other party planner. Those of you who have been keeping up with this blog know that me and Johnson used to date, and we broke up, and are now friends. But not really JUST friends... friends with benefits.
The night before I left for home for the thanksgiving break, Johnson stayed over. I said I didn't like the direction that it was going - it was starting to become and expectation and he was starting to show little acts of affection towards me in public, including cuddling with me on the couch when we were watching a movie with a group of friends. I was not comfortable with this. We were supposed to be a no strings attached kind of deal, and not only was I uncomfortable with this PDA, some of our friends were a little weirded out by it too (Pretty much all of them knew that we were friends with benefits). Uhm so I confronted him, yea I mentioned that already. He was very understanding and said that he would comply with my requests. But then he said he had something he wanted to talk about too actually. And so I patiently waited for him to spit it out. And he got all nervous and what not and like clammed up. I was getting kind of annoyed because I had work to do the next day and it was already like 3 or 4 in the morning and I wanted to sleep. Anyways, I eventually told him that I wasn't going to talk to him until he said what he had to say. So he said it. And all of a sudden I wished I had never pushed it out of him.
He said that he still felt a spark between us and made a convincing argument about why we should get back together as a couple. Said we have so much fun together and we are completely ourselves around each other, free of judgement. Which was all true. I told him I would think about it over the long weekend. I left the next afternoon for home.
My family went fishing for thanksgiving. We talked about harvest, hunting, life in the small town I grew up in and how we can't wait to go camping this summer for my parents 25th anniversary. Somewhere over this weekend I realized how badly me and Johnson go together. Sure we have similar senses of humor, we're quirky and we are nonjudgemental people who generally get along with everyone, but we both come from completely different worlds; he's one of the most 'city' people I've ever met, and although I've evolved since living in the city for school, I'm still a small town farm girl. I'm satisfied by nature and all it's beauty, I like silence and open spaces and the slow, easy way of living in the country, where as he is just the opposite. He only visited my home town a few times, and was bored by it. I want someone who will take me fishing, knows how to shoot a gun, and someone who won't get bored if we ever just decide to take a walk through the countryside. That's the lifestyle I love, and the lifestyle he doesn't. I decided against getting back together. And I also decided to put an end to the 'benefits' of our friendship
When I got back to the city, I had made my decision. He facebooked me everyday to talk, I talked back. And now we're back at this surprise party I was talking about earlier. It was at his place. And after the party was over, I stayed behind to clean up.. I knew I had to talk to him about getting back together.
It started the same way it has started every other time, I finished cleaning up and collapsed on the couch, not really sure how I was gonna break the news to him. He snuggled in beside me, which was familiar and comfortable. He started rubbing my back, which was also nice. And then he was talking in a really low voice in my ear. Then I got up and said we should move to his room before his brother got home and found us awkwardly on the couch. I also warned him that we weren't going to hook up in there, only talk.
So we went in and I told him that I thought it was a bad idea to continue these hook ups now that there was feelings of wanting more involved. I also said that I wanted to maintain a friendship with him now that we were done the more than friends aspect of our little whatever it was. And I said I didn't think that was possible if I met someone else while we were still fooling around. Of course he had a massive rebuttal.
It was already really late and I was sleepy. I was laying there with my eyes closed and he was mad. At first because of the fact that he wouldn't be getting any anymore. And he suggested that we hook up one last time.. "go out with a bang" as he put it, and yes he laughed at his own word choice lol. I said I didn't want to and this is where things got a little pushy. He started kissing my neck, I pushed him away and repeated that I didn't want to hook up. He went in for it again, and this time I said that means no kissing. He kept pushing and pushing. I said no probably 40 times. He wouldn't accept it. Saying that he knows what I want, and that I want these hook ups to continue. I was pretty annoyed to say the least. I think I know what I fucking want. Anyways, he said something after all his efforts that made me soften up a little. So I consented to one last fling before we were to part ways. So that's what happened.
The next morning I woke up to find him looking at me, and he was like "So?" and I had to reexplain everything I had explained the night before. No getting back together, no more sleepovers, just friends. He again wouldn't take no for an answer. I got up out of bed and headed for the door, seeing that this wasn't going anywhere and I had already said all I had to say when he literally got up and blocked my way. This could be interpreted as scary or controlling, he's not that kind of guy so don't think of it that way. I saw it as an act of desperation, and it kind of tugged at my heart strings a little. I still walked out though, I told him it was his last chance to kiss me, and he said "No it's not.." so I stared him down and then just left.
This might seem harsh, but really it was what I needed to do. This kid was clinging on so tight that there was no other way to pry him away from me. I feel terrible for being so blunt about everything, but sometimes that is just what you need to do.
Holy shit this is getting long.
He messaged me later that day and said the he wanted to cut all ties from me. He said that he wasn't ready for the hook ups to stop and I owed him more of a warning before I went and put an end to it. Which I completely disagreed with. Anyways, ya basically I was torn up because he didn't want to be friends at all, which is something I kind of understand. I've always tried to maintain friendships with my exes. He said he still has feelings for me and that getting over them would be easier if I just stopped being a part of his life. And he also said that we were never friends before, which was the ultimate thing that tore me up.
Anyways, that's pretty much it. I was feeling really low when I posted those lyrics. I was offended too because he said that he was willing to set all feelings aside if we could continue our late nights together, but wouldn't put them aside for friendship. I was downright pissed at that.
On one hand, I am happy to give him all the time he needs to get over this and in time I know we will be friends at some point down the road (even if he won't admit it - he's always been dramatic about this kind of stuff) . On the other hand I think he's being a little bitch about the whole thing (this is the insensitive part of me that thinks this haha). On another hand I still do care about him and realize that the situation he is in sucks, but he could make it easier on himself if he wouldnt have set up all these boundaries for whatever relationship is left between us. I told him to be careful that he doesn't burn this bridge because he will undoubtedly come to regret it later. Anyways I gotta get back to studying. This post was a little excessive. haha
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