Staring at the Mess I Made

I'm trying to step out of my body and take a look at the situation I find myself in currently. Here's some foreshadowing; it's depressing, revolves around an ex boyfriend, and I feel completely trapped and alone. I'm sick of talking about it, yet I need to get this off my chest somehow. Let me fill you in on what you've missed. (You might want to stop reading here, this is mostly for myself to reflect back on in a year and laugh at all the worries and stresses that I'm feeling right now and reflect on how far I've come and how much I've learned).

Background Info:
One week before my departure back home in April (at the very end of finals) I met this guy, let's call him Johnson. Anyways, me and Johnson hit it off immediately, a few beers later, we were making out on the dance floor! If I'm being completely honest, back then my thoughts still revolved around the boyfriend/terrible breakup that I had come out of the September before. I was over the guy, but I wasn't over what had happened between us and the loss of friendship that it caused. Anyways, I met Johnson, we kissed, he stayed the night at my place and we snuggled on the couch. (Nothing more!) Anyways, he was finished his exams for the year, but I still had two more, one week from the day we met. Anyways, through the week, he would come visit me every day. The first day he brought all kinds of fun stuff to distract me from studying and give me a much needed mid-day break. He brought wii games and movies and (my personal favorite) an origami set for kids. Seriously, so awesome. Anyways it was at that moment that I realized that Johnson was probably one of the coolest people I had ever met. As we got talking, we realized we had a SHIT TON of things in common, from our taste in music, to our religious backgrounds and how they have shaped who we are, even though neither of us followed the path that was originally set out for us by our families. I was crushin' hard man. It was the first guy, probably ever, who I liked first, on my own, with no one and nothing propelling me to like him. And we just fit so naturally together, people even said we looked like we belonged together. Anyways, after that first day, he came back two days later. This day happened to be the day where he and a bunch of our mutual friends who were done finals went out for sushi and kareokee. (I love both by the way, and was really choked that I couldn't go). Johnson rendered me speechless when, on the SECOND DATE, he brought me sushi rolls so I would feel less like I missed out. He also snuck a CD of a band he thought I would like inside the bag as well. Like I said - coolest guy ever. I loved the sushi, and that CD held one of my current favorite songs! We hung out for the rest of the week, and when Thursday rolled around and I had the first of my last two finals, he came to my house to pick me up and take me to it. He lives 30 minutes away on the other side of the city. After my exam, he picked me up and took me home again too. I was completely swept away. On Friday, the day of my last final, and my last day in the city, Johnson came to my door at 7:45 am to pick me up for my final. When I opened the door, he was standing there with a dozen red roses. I think my face turned that same shade of red. He took me to my final and was there waiting when I finished. He took me straight to his house instead of my house this time, since I had no more studying to do. I met his family, to my surprise, I wasn't nervous to meet them. It ended in us having supper there and me really hitting it off with his folks. Anyways, we went downstairs after supper and played lego! LEGO!!! Hahaha the best. Then we were both invited to a going away party at a friends that night, so we headed back to my place so I could get ready. I should mention that the summer tenants of the house were moving in the next day and we had to be out by 6:00 am. Anyways, we got back to my place, and I realized that hardly any of me stuff had been packed up to take home. He helped me pack. Of course he did, just such a nice guy. He helped for 4 hours! There was makeout sessions and whatnot between that. Here's the graphic part kids, so maybe turn away. We were making out against the fridge in the kitchen, and I stopped and asked what was going on between us, and also asked if it was worth trying to do over the summer with 2.5 hours between us and full time jobs. My last relationship ended because of less distance than that. I was really skeptical, but with a guy this sweet, it seemed like it just might be possible. So he asked me to be his girlfriend and I happily said yes. And we couldn't keep our hands off each other for the rest of the night. Seriously we missed the party. And then just cuddled all night on a mattress in the basement. That's probably my happiest memory in the past few years. Everything was so perfect. When my roomates and friends came home, they drunkenly asked us if it was official, and when we said yes, they were ecstatic. They ran downstairs and jumped on both of us congratulating us haha, I guess everyone had seen it coming since the night we first met.

I moved home the next morning, and though the sweet gestures and visitations were steady, the flame was flickering as we spent waaaay too much time together on visits, and missed each other too much during the weekdays. This was too much extremes for any relationship to handle, especially when it was so green. So after a month of rollercoaster rides of missing/needing air to breathe when he was around, I broke it off. Of course he wasn't happy about it, I wasn't either. But I figured it had to be done. We left off on a good note and promised that we would talk about getting back together come September when I moved back. I very specifically told him that there is only the POSSIBILITY of getting back together since we had 3 months apart and feelings could easily change in that time of not seeing each other.

Fast forward to September. I had seen Johnson approximately 3 time over the rest of the summer - once when he came back (with more flowers) to talk things over once more, once at a frisbee tournament he was organizing that I had promised to come to when we were dating, and once during orientation training, as we were both volunteering to lead first years around the bowl on orientation day. Generally, all of those went well. We instantly clicked at the frizsbee tournament and then again at training. I realized that I still had impressive feelings for this guy, but at the same time I didn't want to tie myself down to him again. I decided that since we left off on such a good note at our breakup, it would be the best idea to not get back together. We have a number of close mutual friends, including my sister and my roommate and I didn't want a relationship/potential breakup to wreck the good thing we had going as a group. How naive of me.

On my first night back in the city, there was a big gathering of old friends and we went to kareokee again. He was there and I was there and everything was great! We were talking like old friends during pre drinking and then we got separated at the bar, again totally fine! I was having a blast, until I was in the bathroom talking to a girlfriend when Jenna comes storming in and tells me to stop talking to Johnson because I'm hurting him. I was so caught off balance by this, and by the fact that I was causing him, this cool-funny-outgoing-awesome guy pain, I just started crying. I didn't know what I was doing wrong, I felt backed into a corner and I felt deserted by my sister. Once you start, its pretty hard to stop crying on the spot, especially with such a heavy bomb dropped on you in such a forceful way just before.
Anyways, I decided it was time for me to talk to Johnson and get our situation sorted out before anyone else got hurt. I met him outside. He was pissed when I told him I didn't want to get back together. Said I was a coward for not giving something so worthwhile a try. I was trying to justify that I was just trying to see the whole picture and think of people other than ourselves. He got really angry. But it was cold, and we couldn't help but hug/hold each other while we were arguing. Halfway through our discussion, he started kissing my neck while he was hugging me. I softened a little. A lot actually. I tried to rationalize my reasoning, he tried to rationalize his. And yes I saw where he was coming from, but given that I had singlehandedly ended Jenna's relationship with one of her best friends by dating him, I wasn't about to budge on my thoughts towards this. Anyways, he got mad again, let go of me and just went off on a rant. I can't even remember what it was about, all I saw was that I was the one making him upset like that, where as if I just would have made up my mind the other way, I could have been the one making him happy (that sounds super corny. yep.) I saw the pain that Jenna was talking about, and I'm not exactly sure what came over me, but all of a sudden, when he was mid-sentence, I kissed him. It wasn't a super hardcore makeout or anything, just a kiss that lasted probably a little too long. When I looked at him again, he was grinning. He thought I had changed my mind. I wasn't really sure if that was entirely false. So I went with it, told myself that I wanted to make him happy, and that it would make me happy. Ect ect ect. We spent the rest of the night on a grand adventure, and somehow he ended up pushing me around 8th in a shopping cart. He was running, and I was squealing and terrified that I would tip, again lotsa fun.

The next day (here's where I become the horrible person), when I had a sober brain back in my head, I was so mad at what I had done. I led him on! I am so strictly against that! Anyways, I texted him, and he came over to my house at 1:30 pm. We talked for hours. I apologized for the night before, I explained why I kissed him and why it couldn't happen again. He was mad of course, he asked for me to just hear him out about our relationship, and it was the least I could do. So I listened. He put up a good fight. I wanted to cave really badly. We got inturrupted at 9 by friends who wanted to go for drinks, so we went and had a few beers and came back at 10:30, where we just picked up our same conversation again. This time, he was really laying it on thick. He made me forget about my stand and completely swooned me. He was holding my hand, and rubbing my back, kissing my neck ect. Again I was swept away by all of this and we ended up making out again. Hardcore making out this time. I finally stopped the maddness and we contuinued discussing what the hell was going on. His points started getting repetitive and so did my rebuttles. It ended when I finally put my foot down and told him I didn't WANT to get back together. By this time, it was 3 in the morning. I was tired and crabby, as was he. He stormed out of my house and I went to bed in a huff.

The next day we met again to try and resolve our argument. Again no progress. That night he came over again, honestly last week was such a blur im not even sure how he ended up here. All I know is that he ended up in my bed with me and we hooked up. I made damn sure that he knew that it was a dead end hookup, no strings attached. He complied and I'm not gonna lie - it was unbelievable! So much anger and tension relived. We were up until 5:30 am. I drove him home the next day and that was that.  I logged into facebook later that day  and there was a long facebook message waiting for me. From Johnson. We fought some more over facebook, actually 7 hours more. He now changed his wants to just a hookup buddy, just for a little while, which was tempting but I knew from experience that it would just complicate our situation more. I said no again. He threw a fucking fit! I told him he was over dramaticising our situation - he wouldn't take no for an answer from me! I just wanted the whole argument to be over with. He told me I was the most uncomprimising person he's ever met, and that I am completely "undateable". Which really hurt, and yeah. As soon as he said that I logged off facebook and tried to occupy myself with soemthing else. Had we really gotten this fucked up in only four days? We were sinking so low that we were calling each other names, right where we knew it would hurt the most.  We resorted to beaking each other about unrelated things. And neither of us were even close to backing down. I thought I was going to explode. I don't act like that. I haven't blown up on someone I'm not related to like that ever. I like my peace, I like forgiveness and keeping things chill. How did everything get so completely fucked up.

After not replying for quite some time, I logged back in to find that he had sent 6 more long messages apologizing for blowing up on me and trying to explain himself in a more civilized manner. I was softened by this and wrote back. We both apologized and promised it would stop. We ended on good terms. kind of, not really. We were joking with each other and agreed that somewhere down the road, we could be friends. I was happy with that. We left it. That was one week ago today.

Last night I texted him asking for directions to a certain room in the PAC (which is the building for his college). Honestly I could have asked any of my other kin friends, but I asked Jenna and she wasn't 100% sure, so I asked him since he works at the gym in that building and would know best about how to get to the office. Sounds harmless right?

Me: Hey Johnson, where is the PAC general office?
Him: second floor, blah blah
Me: Thankyouuu
Him: Alrighty.


That was it! I felt relieved that that little conversation went over without a hitch. I thought for sure we were moving on from what had happened a week ago, and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was already over the fight, like I said, I like to forgive. I got ready for bed, jumped in and checked my phone just before going to sleep. there was another text from him.

Him: Did you want to talk about something else or did you seriosuly just ask me of all people that question?
Me: haha yea I figured you would know best since you work there, thought maybe it was that little area where you work!
Me: Is there something wrong with asking you?
Him: Nosiree
Me: K cool

And that was it! Again, relief that we could still be civilized. I closed my eyes again and again I got another message.

Him: Sorry bad service, that last text was a reply to the first one I sent you. As for if it's ok to ask me...
******************************ATOMIC BOMB EXPLOSION!!!!*********************


And I don't want to write out his whole text, but pretty much it was bitching me out for talking to him again when that is the very last thing he wants to do. We got in a fight, because again I thought he was over dramatic about absolutely nothing and he said I was disrespecting him by talking to him when he figured it was a given that we weren't supposed to talk. I tried to rationalize that it wasn't talking, it was me asking for directions. Anyways, here we go again. That feeling that I somehow was able to shake last week when I thought that everything would be ok. I'm so done with this fighting. I feel like I have no one to talk to about it, I don't want to make Jenna choose between her friend and sister, that was the whole point of not getting back together! This mess just got so big and ugly that I have since then lost all attraction to Johnson, and up until I wrote the earlier part of this post, I completely forgot what an awesome human being he is. Like what the fuck! Why are we so similar in so many ways, and then when it comes down to seeing each other's difference in opinions, we can't see eye to eye no matter what. THE FUCK! I'm so frustrated. I'm hurt too, I had no idea he still resented me so much. I'm over it, ready to move on and just be friends, or not even friends, just neutral acquaintances who arent carrying so much hatred on their shoulders. I look at him and see just a sweet guy that things got fucky with, and I just want to be on the same level again, the happiness we had that we could totally find on the friend level again. He looks at me and just sees this coniving bitch whos out to hunt him down and hurt him however she can. He won't admit it, but he hates me! All his coldness and mean words ect are pushing me closer and closer to breaking point, I don't even know if he know that I HAVE a breaking point. I think he's selfish. I am probably being selfish too here. I don't know. What do I do with myself! We're on all the same rec teams, and in the same friends circle, we hang out in the same places, go to the same school! fuckfuckfuck. How do I deal with this when he's not willing to even consider dealing with this? I need things to end on a good note again otherwise I'm going to be caught up in the hate too. Worst feeling ever. We need to talk again, and I promise if I ever get that oppurtunity, Im going to set things straight and not throw acid in his face even if his covering me with it. I have to make things right. I don't know when or how, but something has to be done. If he freaks out again though, fuck him. My heart can't take anymore stress. And my brain needs space for classes. I am approaching this situation as gingerly as possible and i still get knocked down.

Sigh. ok. there. im going to bed though, didn't sleep at all last night.. Goodnight. (haha it's 2:58 pm)