To Sad Future Jory: Remember these things.

I turned 21 today! I've lived for so long! I love birthdays so much. This is probably my favorite day of the year, just because I have never had a bad birthday. I always build them up so much in my head that when they finally roll around, I have a wonderful day! I studied for most of today, and managed to see/talk to every single ex boyfriend I've had for the past two years. Ya. I was very cold towards Brad*. He deserved it. Anyways I have big plans for tonight which I will probably fill this blog in on tomorrow or the next day when I need a study break. So to fill the space, here's a post I wrote the other day but forgot to publish...




This is a post for my future self to read when she comes back into that inevitable state of depression. Whenever that may be.

Ok Jory. You've been through a lot in your young age. Battling with depression is one of those things. And when you're in those low spots, I know, it feels like you will never be happy again. And that pretending to be happy for those around you is a constant strain on your emotional well being. You tend to hold things in so as to not bother other people with them, make sure that other people know that you are as solid as a rock so that they can feel like they have someone strong and supportive to talk to when they're going through a rough time. Someone who is never too caught up in her own problems to lend a hand with someone else's.

That's all fine and dandy. But when you're depressed, you gotta realize that you need to work on your problems first. I know how shitty they are to look at and deal with. You've had some doozies. But that's why I'm writing to you right now, in a state of complete contentment. I'm lending you your own advice on how to get happy again for when you forget and can only see cloudy skies ahead.

First thing is: Stop thinking about it. This is the most important step. If you have done all you can do to deal with it, or all you can do without completely severing an important relationship with someone, then let it go. Don't tell me how hard that is to do, I KNOW how hard that is to do. But basically its vital that you stop thinking about it. Because when you think, you tend to over-think and then you get lost in your own mind, which is a very dangerous place to be. You will probably have some kind of psychiatric illness when your older if you don't stop doing this now. Just be a normal 21 year old and take life as it comes to you.

Secondly, keep busy. Dedicate all your energy to your school, sports, cleaning, friends, keep in touch with your parents. Talk with dad, he always knows what to say. And his words have fun hidden meanings in all of them since he doesn't know so much about the badass side of your life.

And stop forcing happiness. Sure be pleasant to those around you, but stop telling yourself that your life is over if you don't find happiness within the next week. Stop forcing it. It will come. Like last time.

Picking beans in the garden - you hate picking beans - and you stop just for a second, not even thinking, look around at all the plants that you planted, that grew because you planted them. You feel this overwhelming breeze, but there is no wind. It's just incredibly light. And for no reason either. You just forgot to be unhappy at that moment. And that moment lasted the rest of the summer and into the school year. I had another one of those moments yesterday, it didn't happen as suddenly (I don't think I was in the same state of depression as I was before) but you were walking to the bus stop in the morning and realized you were smiling. You weren't even thinking of anything- not even a boy! Just free of silly depressing thoughts. It's great to be back in happyland again.

I know you think it sounds hard, it is hard. But its not impossible. And you will not be unhappy forever. Keep that in mind.

Right now you are completely single, you're well liked, funny, caring, doing well in school, making time for your family who love you, and dare i say that you might have even looked somewhat pretty today (despite your cold sore). Stop overthinking. Don't force it. And just be happy. Read a happy book. that's my final advice.

I got your back.

(PS, blog readers, I talk to myself. So what?)

Good Coffee

There's nothing worse than sitting at home alone, completely at mercy of the huge pan of delicious pumpkin pie crunch dessert that you made yesterday. I keep sneaking bites throughout the day. I'm cutting myself off. Drinking eggnog instead. And yes, its with spiced rum. 

Although I love eggnog, I'm not a huge fan of the marketing for Christmas right now. It's not even two weeks into November! I swear they just take all the uneaten halloween candy into the back of Walmart, dump it into Christmas boxes and sell it for twice the price. It's all a marketing scheme. It's dumb.

I think I've mentioned on here before how much I love shower-thinking. It's like dreams though, all my genius thoughts evaporate as soon as I step out into the cold air. It's unfortunate because last night I had a crazy good idea for a blog which I was going to write about right now but completely forgot. Heh.

I was also daydreaming yesterday and thought it would be kind of cool if in an alternate universe somewhere, people naturally grew different colours of hair. I don't mean like blonde, brown or red. I mean blue, yellow, green and pink. Here's a theory: All people's hair used to be all these crazy funky colours way back in the evolution of humans, but over time they combined and evolved into the same dull colours we have today. Kind of like how when you mix a bunch of colours of paint together, the end result is brown. Or black, or light brown, or red. Depending on what colours were mixed. 

I also find it weird to think about the fact that I am related to people who lived through med evil times. I always think of them simply as characters of movies or books, but they were real people who had kids. And everyone that is alive right now was a descendant of someone. Weird how insignificant and small that makes me. I feel as if me being a descendant of an evil kind of Scotland (true story) makes me special, but when you boil it down, everyone was probably a descendant of someone important. Since the human population was so small to begin with. huh.

Jenna and her boyfriend just got home and they think that I can't hear them making out downstairs. I totally can. Aw I lost my deep conversation with my blog. Oh well. Time to continue on with Season 4 of Gilmore Girls. (I also have a paper due on Wednesday that I'm only half done.)  

Weak Lemonade

So I kinda forgot to post about recent events of my life. so here goes

1. This past Friday I was in a car accident. Some idiot blew through a yield sign, and because the roads were so icy, there was nothing we could do but T-bone him. We weren't going that fast to begin with (maybe 20-25 kmph) but it felt like we hit super hard. I always kind of thought that if you were going that slow, a collision wouldn't really hurt and you would be totally fine without a seat belt, but I could not have been more wrong. My neck and shoulders are still killing me. 

2. I started volunteering today. I'm a study group leader at a school across town for immigrant kids. It was actually a lot of fun today, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Even working with the most challenging kids was fun. 

3. I got all my midterm marks back. ALL of my marks were good. And 3 of them were great! Needless to say, I'm very pleased. It's such a nice change from last year when I couldn't get my shit together. It's nice to feel smart again. (I couldn't get my shit together anyway I hope you die Arhia)

4. I wrote an entire essay yesterday. I couldn't get my creative juices flowing all day, then I went to dodgeball and got home and drank wine til I was buzzed. I should always write when I'm buzzed, creative juices just flow better.

5. Speaking of dodgeball, I'm on three rec teams this year. Co-Ed vball, ladies vball, and dodgeball. All teams are doing well, except co-ed volleyball, were about 50% right now. We're first in both girls vball and dodgeball. Last night the other team didn't even show up to dodge, so our team just fucked around in the gym for an hour. It was fun, and we played boys vs girls and two boys. Girls team kicked the boys teams ass.

6. I'm 100% single. And happy this time! Last year I was so depressed being single, so unhappy with life and my decisions and my grades and my friends. Now I'm flying. Feels good man

7. I burn candles a lot now. My room gets so cold. 

8. I've written songs. Lot's of songs. Can't wait to record them one day.

9. I'm out of ideas for this blog. 

10. Oh yea, I made lemonade tonight. It was weak. 

Post Soundtrack: Runaway - Kanye West, Dear God - FM static

..wut.

So apparently 10 people today found my blog on Stumbleupon. That's kinda cool.

But seriously why is this on stumbleupon?

Here's A Post You Should Read When You Want To Procrastinate For A Very Long Time.

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Steven Messaged You

You know what I fucking love? Alphaghetti. Or Zoodles. Or Dora-Shaped-Pasta-in-Tomato-Sauce. That shit, I can't get enough of it. Bought three cans at the store the other day and just ate half of one. MMMMMM

I remember one time when I was little I had this weird thing on my finger. It was right beside my nail on my right pointer finger, on the thumb side. I was so embarrassed of it, I would hide my hands so no one saw it. It wasn't big. But I had no idea what it was. One day my mom noticed and she thought it was a wart. This was after years of having it. So we went and I had it frozen or whatever at the doctors. It didn't work. Nothing worked. Then one day, when I was about 9 or 10, I was running from the garage to my dads truck, and it just fell off. Just like that. And I haven't thought about it since. Until just now. Odd that that memory popped into my head.

IN OTHER NEWS
Me, Jenna and my friend *Melissa are trying out for Telemiracle on Sunday. We've been kind of practicing for a while now, we basically just get together, talk about life and play some songs, usually we don't get all the way through them without breaking down and laughing at someones stupid interpretive dance, or opera voice or drooping face when they mess up. It's a good time. We're stuck between two of the songs to play. So we performed for my roommates tonight to see what they like better. And they were very one sided that we should play American Honey by Lady Antebellum. Which I agree. We make it sound good. So I'm excited! Except I have no idea what to do performance wise. Like sure it sounds nice, but how do we move on stage to accompany that song?

There really isn't much else to say other than I'm kind of loving life right now. So stress free. Until my Sunday night because I have an essay due the next day. That I haven't started. Or even looked at. Or even read the books that it's on. SHIT what's happening to my organizational skills?

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh

#conflicted lol poopoooooooooooooooop